Plague
by TildeATH
Summary: Nepeta is nothing more than a play thing to the tyrant Gamzee as he rules over a kingdom. Could an uprising save her or is she doomed to be lured in deeper?
1. Chapter 1

He shows me his face every day to mock me. The cruel scars on his face hurt me more than him, a reminder of what had happened. On days like today, I can't handle it. I wonder if I really ever can. I don't know if I am growing stronger or breaking when I see his face, maybe a little bit of both. I want to grow strong and stop feeling bitter, angry tears when those puffy scars make their way into my vision. But I've been beaten down and broken by what's happened.

There was a time when I was happy, young, and innocent. None of the words fit me now, I was someone who had been tortured so he could be amused. I had nothing wrong, but I wonder what I must have done in a past life to be punished like this.

Equius used to tell me that despite how I was just a commoner, a peasant even, I was something special. Maybe the problem was that we were special _together._

We were pure, we were the best of friends. It all started back when I was a young beggar, I lived in the Zahhak kingdom and I was going to become another sad reality: a young child dying from starvation. I collapsed right in the town's square, tired after walking all day trying to beg or at the very least steal the food, all my efforts were unsuccessful. I recall the cobbled ground being rough on my face as I fell, it bit into my skin and I felt the blood seep out lightly. I would have died then if at that moment the Signless hadn't been there.

I had heard whispers of him before, his teachings. I was only around eight though, not old enough to comprehend what he was teaching. I knew that he was very important but I could never in my mind quite grasp how it would ever be useful to me. What I didn't know though was that the Zahhak's respected his opinion greatly and invited him as an honored guest to see their kingdom.

The Zahhak's were one of the few kingdoms on our continent. It was the most established one I knew of, the others were pale imitators. Maybe that's why it fell so fast. The Sea Dwellers kingdom were the only more prestigious and enchanting, or so I imagined. No one I knew had ever seen it. I didn't know anything about them, they might not even exist. Some didn't believe, but I did. There used to be more kingdoms though, but they had crumbled, monarchy first. The subjects were growing restless with the revolutions of sort, eager to take out their troubles on their kings and kings. I would have been happy with a place to rest my head or to eat.

The Signless was the Zahhak's way of appeasing their inhabitants, by hearing what the Signless said and fixing what problems he addressed. I hear most of this years later, through the grape vine. In my opinion it was fate that saved it me. It was destined that the Signless would be walking through, right where was I was lying. I am sure he was rather grim about seeing a small child collapsed on the ground, people stepping delicately over me, eager to get on with their day.

He declared this was unacceptable. The Zahhak's were about grand gestures so they sweeped me up taking me in as their own, in an effort to seem like they were doing something. And it was nice. For awhile. The Signless promised to be back in ten years to make sure everything, including me was okay. He never wanted to see another starving child in his life, even someone like me.

For the years that followed, I was effectively treated like a princess. I learned with Equius, who was my age, and we played together. I think the king would have gone back on his promise very quickly if I hadn't been useful in one way to them. The king's only son had an incurable temper, he had scared away almost all the help, broken nearly everything, and was deeply unhappy. Even as an eight year old, he could be so fearsome.

Except when we were together, we were perfect. He fed off my calmness and he gave me friendship in return. The first friend I had, and we were perfect in that aspect. Every day we spent together our bond grew stronger. We were both so different but our strengths complemented the others faults. I was happy like this, maybe that's why I had an aching feeling it wouldn't last.

When it ended, it was the single most horrible event in my life. It was true there were kingdoms, but there were also bands of people who only wanted to take over an established empire. Their sole purpose is to take what the others worked for, destroy it, and make it their own. I knew about the Makara's when I was that age. I was terrified of them, bandits who would destroy everything I had ever loved.

When they came to our kingdom, the night sky was lit up. They didn't want to hurt the villagers, it was their personal way of terrifying all who resided inside the castle. They only wanted to hurt us. It didn't take long for them to get into our castle, there were quite a few of them. Equius and I could hear the banging on the door from the very top of the castle. We had been placed here under the pretense that we would be called down to play hide or seek or something of the sort. We weren't alerted to the danger until we finally put it together when we heard the shouts and the screams. At twelve years old, we were hearing the people we had lived with and considered close enough to be family.

The room we were in was tip top of the castle, it was in a circular shape with no corners and it was so confining. Equius was growing pale and I'm sure I was too. We were pressing ourselves against the wall. Finally he turns to me and says "Nepeta, I'm going to see what's going on, I need you to stay here."

I tried to protest, to pull him back closer to me. We could stay up here and no one would know. I voiced what I thought to him but nothing made him budge. "I'm going. Stay here." I saw his face twitch just slightly as he tried to keep his face composed. "I will be as safe as I can, but I have to go. I want you to wait in the cabinet." I was shaking, gripping the sides of my dress with my hands. I managed to tear my eyes away from his to look at the cabinet, tears blurred my vision but I saw it. There was just enough space on the inside for the two of us, if we were cramped in together. "And Nepeta, I just wanted to say... Goodbye." He was whispering as he said his final words to me. I cried, twisting my face into an ugly expression as I hugged him, before he finally pushed me towards the cabinet.

He descended towards the door, and I scrambled into the cabinet being as stealthy as I can. From my hiding space, I could hear the door close quietly. I hear talking for a moment, then a low chuckle I had to strain to hear. Finally there were some shuffles and then a loud thump. I heard the door creak open, and I held my breath, tears freely flowing down my face. I waited torn, trying to slide back further into the cabinet, praying for Equius to be okay. My hand slid back and it bumped into what appeared to be a pocket knife. I gripped it between my two hands, blade extended. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it wouldn't be good.

Footsteps are slowly walking around the room. They are taking their time, going leisurely. That's how I know it is not Equius. Equius has fallen, and whoever is in here is responsible. I sit, boiling in rage. When I hear the door creak open as they are leaving I cannot control myself and I leap out, not even looking at who I am slashing just slicing their face with the knife in my hand. He looks startled, but also very pleased, despite the blood dripping grotesquely down his face. He grabs my hand as I go in for another slash, effectively stopping all movement.

"Look at this little kitty girl," He coos in my face. He couldn't have been any older than me, but his wild and wavy hair easily identifies him as a lawless Makara. "You even crouch like a cat before an attack... Look's like your friend here is dead and you're not a Zahhak. This is mysterious." He rubs his chin sarcastically, rubbing his blood deeper into his face. "Looks like you will be my new pet."

I knew in that moment that life as I knew it was destined to be a miserable and tortured life. Everything had changed and there was no way to be happy, not without Equius.

Gamzee has made sure of that. Taunting me with his scars and his loud laughs at my misery. He is the most vile creature I have ever met. I have been held captive in what used to be a lovely castle, Gamzee dragging me along as if I literally were a pet. He has no respect for me, but won't give me the only thing I want now, death. I am hardly left to my own and I am always left from sharp objects, he doesn't want another scar to match his first from me.

Now though, I am eighteen and life is a new hell every day. Some days Gamzee is content to simply ignore me for hours at a time. Others he loves to make lewd remarks about my growing body, or even taunt me about Equius. I am scared to do much else aside from just go along with what he does. Mostly I am waiting, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. I am like a cat, I will pounce when he least expects it.

As I lay in my cold bed reliving the past, my heartbeat speeds up once more as I can hear the sounds of him approaching. The dark hallways are large and produce an echo, you could hear a pin drop aside from his steps. I have his footprint memorized and he is descending upon my room quickly.


	2. Chapter 2

Sometimes I wonder what my parents were like. I wonder how my life would have turned out if I had been with them, instead of being with the Zahhak's or Makara's. I imagine a world my parents loved me, one where they stayed with me until the end. That's not how it goes though, at least not in my life. I was chronically unlucky, to put it mildly. I don't think most people or visitors knew what Gamzee put me through, so if I were to complain to anyone it was safe to say no one would believe me.

I didn't have anyone to protect me from the most terrifying and bizarre person I knew. At one point I had tried to get help. I tried to escape out of the vast and grand castle. The cold, concrete walls used to be the perfect home for me, but now I longed for the comfort of the streets. Anything to escape the torment and horror. I was caught before I could escape. The punishment was worse than living in the castle, nothing could be worse than four days looked in a tiny room, with barely any room to stretch, a scrap of food, and a cup of water and told "to make it last". For awhile I thought I went insane, the dark taunting my brain, the only thing I could see was the dark blood of Equius as he died, over and over again in my mind.

I knew now though, that I was perfectly, dangerously sane. The only one who couldn't claim that was Gamzee, who acted as my master of sorts. He essentially was, I had no freedom, he knew everything about me. He sat now in front of me, with a calm smile on his face. I was on edge, like a cat who knew danger was lurking and close. His smile was pleasant and he stretched himself out on my large bed next to me now, while yawning. "Little miss kitty," He purred in my ear. "How are you doing today?"

I wanted to promise to be silent but I knew it would just irritate him like it always did. It was a dangerous game today, he was calm, content, happy even. These were almost the worst days, when he inevitably switched to be the monster I knew. "I'm... I'm having a lovely morning." My sentence was an out right lie and he knew, but my answer satisfied him. I was stiff laying next to him, wanting to yank him out of the velvet covers that usually caressed my skin sending me to a somewhat comforting sleep.

He suddenly squirmed closer to me, his face a shining beacon of joy. "We're going to play a game!" I pursed my lips, not liking the sound of it. My heart beat again faster, and his grin grew even more devious. "Did you hear me?" I nodded my head, mutely. "It will be so fun." At the end his voice started to get deeper, and that's how I knew it wasn't just a fun game. Or it would be for him, but why would it ever be a fun game for me? Gamzee knew no compassion, and what he did out of kindness was simply so it would benefit him at some point down the line.

The "fun game" involved me laying stiff as a board on the bed and him straddling me with his long legs. He bent over me, his torso, almost as long as my legs. His fingers were smearing some creamy, white substance on my face. There were what appeared two be pots surrounding him, each filled with some different colors. Occasionally he would dip his fingers for more white, filling in whatever looked thin on his paint job. It was cold and humiliating and a very spontaneous thing for me.

"What a pretty clown you are, Nepeta!" He grinned at me, his teeth sharp. "But what kind of clown would you be without that beautiful smile of yours? I'll just fix that right now." He smoothly dips his hand into the darkest pot of paint, the black shiny and reflective on his fingers. A thick layer of paint is over my lips in no time.

When he finally got bored of giggling about his creation he determined I could finally get up, and he rolled off me, spreading his long limbs even farther as I walked over to the mirror in my room. The biggest mockery of all is all the fine things I owned. Gamzee was fond of giving me presents, acting as if he treated me perfectly. As if living here wasn't a nightmare. My room was dark green and stuffed with various expensive objects. Every thing was so valuable and beautiful, it made me sick. He liked to act as if I was privileged. As I stood in front of my mirror, my diamonds that Gamzee bought for me, then never let me wear reflected back at me maliciously. I knew staring at my face, tears welling up, that my life was not privileged. My face stared back at me, but it wasn't what I knew. It was a stark white color, with two punches of black where my eyes were and a hollow black smile staring back at me. I knew I hated him, hated everything that he had done to me.

In that moment, I gave up. I let my tears fall. It was exhausting to hate, but there as I watched the tears get muddled dark from the paint and smear the white paint to have dark trails following the salty water, I knew there was no one I hated more than myself. I hated anything that had Gamzee interested in me. I wanted to ask why, as my head hung down, tears crawling down my face. But the only thing I said was, "it's beautiful."

He told me he knew and that I should follow him, that it's time for lunch. If I weren't already crying, I would be now. The only thing worse than Gamzee was his father, the current ruler. Things changed fast here, and the most ruthless always survived. His dad was a large, well built man who was very intimidating. He was as capricious as his son, and nothing would make him happier than to have Gamzee kill me. He didn't touch me though, and others were ordered to ignore me, lest they face consequences from him. Gamzee is fond of me, for some odd reason, and only likes to humiliate me, not hurt me. I wish he would just kill me. I wanted out of this misery. I felt the weight of Equius' life, bearing down on me. How is it fair that I was the one to live?

Gamzee grabbed my hand, holding it delicately while humming a melody. We walked the empty, grand hallways together, his fingers caressing mine. His whole hand was probably the size of both of mine. He was so tall, the tallest person I had ever seen. His hair was always a dark black rat's nest. I questioned often whether I could take him, he was so skinny and gangly. But then I remember he had easily taken down Equius and countless others and I remembered I had no chance.

As we got closer to the large opening of the dining room, I wonder what he thought of me. Was I just a play thing? Was I even a person? To this day, I wasn't sure if I even was to me. Sometimes when he seemed to think of me as in wonderland, he touched the scar on his face as if reminiscing. I wonder what he was thinking of, maybe of my best friend he had killed?

Gamzee abruptly stopped and composed himself. I understood why, he always got nervous in front of his dad. I attempted a ragged smile at him, and he looked better. While it did kill me to smile at him, the more nervous his dad sees him, the more he yells at him. The more his dad yells at him, the more Gamzee takes it out on him.

Any budding sympathy I had for him disappeared as he said, "Kiss for good luck?" And lifted me up to his mouth. It wasn't the first time, but it was always a bad sign. His kiss was urgent, and my face paint was smearing. His tongue slid across my lips before forcing an entrance. My brain was going as fast as the speed of light and did the first thing it thought of; biting down on the intruder.

He jerked away from me, dropping me roughly on the floor. I landed like a rag doll, not even bothering to catch myself as I fell. I stared up at him from the ground, prepared to beg for an apology, but he just looked down at me, one hand covering his mouth. His eyes were twinkling, and judging by the rest of his expression, he was smirking. After another minute, he revealed the rest of his face and dropped his hand. My terrible black smile had imprinted itself imperfectly onto his face, and blood dripped freshly from his face.

"Nothing like a kiss from a lovely kitten to brighten my day!" He said in a sing song voice as he pulled me up and sauntered into the great room, his confidence restored. Mine was drained, along with my energy. As we entered the room, I marveled at how different it was from how it used to be. The Zahhak clan was never the most warm bunch of people but this made them look like interior designers in comparison. The room was very cold and the walls were made of a stone. The flags with the Zahhak crest were still hung up, though large chunks of them were torn out, leaving them unrecognizable to anyone seeing them for the first time. The table in the center of the room was long and narrow. At the very end of one table was an imposing figure, Gamzee's dad.

He went by a lot of different names to the rest of the Makara, like The Grand Highblood. As I understood it, he was fearsome and had an almost fetishistic take on the blood of his enemies. Gamzee and him may not be necessarily related, but he was Gamzee's closest thing to a father and was addressed as such. He was taller than Gamzee somehow, and his face wore a cruel mask as he analyzed everything about us. A snort escaped him as he noticed the blood leaking from Gamzee's mouth and the imprint gave a perfect story of what happened. He seldom said a word, though Gamzee chattered away to me about the most mundane bits of his day, though it was only the afternoon.

"Enough." Spoke the man at the end of the table, sitting as regal as a king. For all intents and purposes, he was and this made my stomach twist and turn in anger. Gamzee stopped talking abruptly, turning an apathetic glance to his father. His mood had changed and I realized this could get very ugly, very fast.

"You're going to kill your play thing soon." It was a statement, not a question. It had already been decided in his head that I was to die. My eyes grew wide and I tried to sink into my chair a little more as I realized he was talking about me. It's true, I would want to die instead of being here forever, but I wanted to die on my terms. Being ordered to be killed by Gamzee sounds like a way to make it doubly horrible.

Gamzee looked down at me, a frown on his face. Sometimes I thought he was handsome, and I hated myself more for that. "No."

His father chuckled, firmly believing Gamzee would listen to his order. "You have until tomorrow night to kill her. She's lived long enough, you can just get a new pet." On this note he stood up, signaling to the both of us that the conversation was over and he wouldn't hear anymore of it. I was sick, and Gamzee just sat there silently in his seat.

In a rare show of decency, I was released to my room. It was almost like he took pity on me since I was going to die. When I got in my room, I ran urgently to my trash can and threw up. The stress and fear was tearing up my stomach. I felt vile and I wanted to end myself now, but I just couldn't bear to do it. I settled on distracting myself.

Waiting on dying was the only thing worst than dying, I decided. I set on removing my face paint, and once I did, I brushed my teeth. I entertained notions of getting dressed and looking pretty so I decided to. At least to settle my nerves for what I was going to do. I picked out my best dress, it was the color of clean, healthy grass and it ended a little above my knees. It had a wide neck and it was ringed in black. Black as my hair, and as the eyeliner that lined my eyes that winged out in a manner similar to a cat. I pulled on my black stockings and brushed my hair.

I made a shaky smile to myself as I assessed my looks in the mirror. It looked like I had dignity and confidence, I decided. Like this was a perfectly determined final move. Like I wasn't scared out of my wits. Or at least that's how I hoped I looked, as I made my way to the door to find Gamzee. I was going to die today and it would be on my terms.

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**Thanks so much for all the reviews you guys! You are all awesome. :o) Now I just wanted to let you guys know this is going to get really dark, I can't tell exactly how dark though. This will feature more of the trolls, all in due time. Also this is kind of a shot in the dark but if anyone can draw a cover for this story I will write a one shot for the pairing of your choice! Just thought I would throw that out there. Keep reviewing and I will keep updating. Hope you enjoy!**


	3. Chapter 3

Gamzee's capricious nature often disrupted and frightened me, but I knew today that it was destined to happen. I should have stayed with him to see what happened. But I knew that was a bad idea, when one Makara wants you dead, they almost all did. I didn't feel safe around The Highblood, I would take Gamzee any day. But despite my normally cautious nature, I was tired of waiting. I didn't want to sit with a death sentence on my head.

And that's how I found myself wandering around the castle. I only had to wander in the vast spaces for so long before I found a trail to follow. It started conspicuously around the dining hall. My eyes widened and my pulse quickened but I knew only one thing had caused it. Gamzee had taken on his father. Or maybe it was the other way around, but either way I knew there had to be one ending. Gamzee had fallen.

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to quell their shaking. The way I see it, I had two options. I could confirm what I had decided in my head, risking my life. Not that my life was that valuable but I would rather off myself than deal with whatever fetish death would be affixed to me from the Highblood. Another option is to turn and bolt now, fleeing the scene like a cat. Hopefully never to be seen again, I could just imagine my freedom, running right past the walls of the castle, breathing the fresh air. I knew that was what I wanted, I had no time to spare. I looked down at my bare feet, clad in stockings. Not my best bet. But I had to take the risk, I decided.

I took one more last look at the trailing blood pattern, it led down a deep and dark hallway I had never been allowed down before. Not even with Gamzee. I suspect it was where more brutal things were done, something Gamzee had hidden for me. His death had left me confused about how I feel. It's true I didn't know for sure he was dead, but I couldn't see how he could take on his father. It simply wasn't possible in my opinion, the stories I had heard where hard to misinterpret. I shouldn't feel sympathy and yet, I did. His hand had caused the death of my friend, and potentially the death of me.

I didn't allow myself to think on the subject any longer as I bolted through the hallways. I never much cared for the castle even when it was Equius', it simply looked like a large maze to me. I kept sprinting, hitting dead ends and occasionally seeing eyes following me. It was unnerving and I couldn't deal with the possibility that with Gamzee potentially dead his protection wore off. As much as I hated him, he protected me from the others.

As I hit my fourth dead end I knew I had to get more strategic. And fast, the eyes were getting closer. At that thought, their body materialized. It was of a Makara, the one I had only seen very briefly the whole time I had been here. Though I rarely saw him, I knew his name to be Kurloz. Gamzee would occasionally speak of him, believing him to be of something as a big brother. Could I trust him? I wasn't sure. He looked at me with a smile, which disregarded his monstrous face. His eyes were a bright ice blue and they seemed to analyze me and understand everything about me. Unnerving to say the least. But the worst part was his mouth. His horrible, disfigured mouth was stitched closed and it was frozen in a smile.

Amused by my horror, he pointed a finger down a different hallway. This one appeared to be unexplored to me. "Are you... helping me?" I asked, distressed. I searched his eyes for an answer but they only crinkled up more as he smiled more. Kurloz did not appear to be trustworthy whatsoever but, with one last furtive glance, I pushed myself down the hall.

Nearing exhaustion again after running for such an extended time I had to take a rest in the hall. My heart had been beating furiously during this whole event and I felt like I was about to have a heart attack. I slumped against the wall eager to let my body rest for a moment. As I sank to the ground, a moment of horror set in. My mind went blank as I tried to ignore what I thought just happened, before I just had to look down and my suspicions were confirmed. I was sitting in a pool of blood. I stood up quickly, trying to get myself out of the area as fast as possible. The exact opposite happened, the quick movements caused my feet to get tangled in my hurry. My body slammed back into the dark blood, rocking pain into every inch of my feet.

I couldn't trust myself to stand on them and with hysterical tears rolling down my face I had to settle for simply dragging myself through the blood. It was a veritable pool, I don't know how I could have missed it. The blood smeared on my clothes and legs, and I knew I was leaving a trail as I fled but I had no choice.

I was sobbing quietly now, snot and tears running down my face. I was never going to leave this place, I was going to be stuck here forever.

Maybe I should stick here and wait out death? No matter where I go I would be followed anyway, why not cut to the chase? But I knew I was being melodramatic. I was going to get out of there, as fast as I could. As I gingerly pushed myself forward, I crouched on my feet. I looked at them, one was already starting to swell. It merely appeared to be sprained. I did my best to stand up slowly, going as slow as I could stand. I grit my teeth as I held my hand against a wall and put my pressure on the uninjured foot. I wasn't keen on how slow I had to go now, but I didn't see many other options.

I should have known Kurloz was lying, I decided. Makara's are liars and thieves. It had taken an hour but I finally made my way to a recognizable area now. Unfortunately, it happened to be right where I started. If I looked I could probably see a few drops of blood from where I bet Gamzee's tongue. I was on to a more life threatening issue now, though.

Like the sound of approaching footsteps. Damn this foot, I needed to go fast. The steps were going slow too, almost sounding as labored as mine were. I chanced looking behind me to see who was there, but I saw nothing but shadows. It wouldn't be good though, if I let whatever get closer to me. At this point I was wishing for Gamzee, if only for the protection he gave me. Predictably I slipped again, my body falling just as rough as before. I let out a groan from the pain. My feet were toast now, I knew. I would have to continue crawling.

Would I accept my death? I wondered as the feet sounded so close now. I had lived for so long, how could I die now? I heard a chuckle that sounded directly behind me, it was the end now. I tried to crawl faster, putting my arms to the limit. But I knew I couldn't escape what was here, The Highblood was here. I wouldn't allow him to see my tears I decided, wiping them off my face. I didn't have time to do any more as the ground was pulled out from underneath me. A more accurate description was that someone had roughly grabbed around my legs and began pulling me backwards.

I yelped in pain, biting down on my tongue to prevent a tear escaping the rough handling of my feet. I didn't dare look back, I had no desire to see the Highblood's face. I dig my nails into the stone of the ground, a last ditch effort. They dragged for awhile, my feet flailing when I could. I released an occasional shout but I knew it would do no good. My dress had long since risen up, coating more of my body in the nasty blood of who I had formally known. I felt a nail pop off and I could see from my awkward positioning that the rest were bloody. Finally I felt him set me down, I looked up. We were right in front of a door, it was in the living quarters of the castle. I grew nervous.

And then I looked up. My apparent captor was none other than Gamzee, who I had never been so excited to see. He looked worse for wear, but still had the biggest smirk in his face. He looked rather handsome, I noted in my joy. His wavy dark brown hair framed his face and his violet eyes were mirthful. He had on his same black shirt and gray pants but they were stained heavily with what appeared to be blood. Whether it was his or the Highblood's though had been yet to determined.

"Gamzee!" I yelled so happy I could kiss him.

He crouched down to my level, no matter how much it had to hurt him. "He's dead!" He shouted, gleeful. "I did it. I knew I would, I do what I want. There isn't anyone who can control me." Now he began sounding manic. "Today when he gave those orders, I knew it was going to happen. But you didn't obey me, Ms. Kitty, and now look what happened to you! Look at all your wounds!" His eyes drifted on my body, and my happiness floated away. "Look at all the blood..."

"I'm so happy you're safe," I murmured, inching closer to him before slowly encasing him in a hug. When Gamzee started to get out of control the safest option was to give him affection or talk to him sweetly. I suspect it has to do with how rare he has gotten it. I imagine I am the only person who has ever hugged him, and I have to wonder what that equals in his mind. Despite the hug he was growing antsy and restless, but he still wrapped his arm around me tightly.

"He thought he could get me to kill you! I showed him." He chuckled. "Guess who's dead now?"

"That's awesome Gamzee, I am so proud of you!" I don't really know how I felt truth be told. The reminder of my old life was constant. Every time I saw his face I would know what he did. But then he genuinely had moments where I knew he cared for me and made an effort to take care of me. Did I really hate Gamzee as much as I thought? I couldn't be sure, but I wanted to be. I wanted Gamzee to be the person I hated most, I had so much passion to give. But I was confused about how to interpret the feelings. I was captive in his castle with no possible way out.

"Nepeta, my pretty girl, what should we do?" He was pulling himself up, and as he took note of my struggles to do so also, scooped me up quickly so that he was holding me in his arms in front of him. "I know! We should fix you up!" My stomach was in knots as he caried me inside of the room, and set me gently on the bed. It had to of been his room as he moved so comfortably around it. He quickly closed and locked his door before hustling to the adjoining bathroom in his room. I heard him running bath water.

A few minutes later he came out, his shirt off and most of his blood washed off. He smiled at me and said, "Your bath awaits." I was wary, hoping he didn't intend it to be a public event. I don't know how much of a fight I can put up right now. I was just really, really tired. It was almost eight o'clock and it was growing dark. I didn't know where to sleep, I didn't even know where my room was in relation to his. But I accepted the offer and stood up, limping my way to the tub filled with warm water.

As I got in, he left the room though instructed me to leave the door open in case something happens. I obliged and he promised he wouldn't peek. As I undressed I could see in a mirror how bruised and bloody I was. Not that it was my blood necessarily, but the point remains. Today was a mess but I was interested and also afraid to see how the dynamics would change with the leader switch.

I hissed as I felt the practically boiling water against my skin, but I also sunk in, the water removing the memories and fragments of the day.

For the next hour I lounged in the tub, the bubbles had long since disappeared. The water had now cooled considerably and almost felt like my body temperature. It was the best and my eyelids were growing sleepy. I was taken out of my daze by the sounds of thumps. I quickly pulled my legs up and shouted, "You can't come in here!"

"But I have your clothes." He held up a shirt of his and some shorts that had long since been his size.

"Just set them down and go," I instructed. I knew he really did intend to give me the clothes but I also knew that there were other intentions. Gamzee was a teenager and he also apparently had no dignity. I grumbled in the tub for awhile more before ultimately standing up and quickly grabbing a towel to cover myself in. I quickly dried myself and got dressed, eager to be done with the day. "Gamzee," I began sweetly, "will you please take me to my room so I can retire for the night?"

"No." He said simply.

I sputtered "Why?"

"It's not safe. It must be clear to you now that if anything relationships here are shaky. You have to stay with me if you want to live here." Gamzee didn't look up from his book that he was reading on his bed. Shirtless. He is literally trying to kill me. I shouldn't joke like that, he literally could. And that set me even more on the edge. But he at least had some sort of fondness for me. "Now come on, love. Let's go to bed." Gamzee put the book away now and pulled himself under the covers. Eventually I went with him.

I wanted to warn him not to try anything but as soon as I opened my mouth, he was already pressed against me, pulling me closer to him. My face was level with his bare chest and his arms wrapped around my stomach and he put his leg over mine halfway.

This was going to be a long night.

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**Wow oh my gosh guys, I love the reviews, you're all too sweet! Can we keep this up? haha. And for the record, that song pick was awesome. :) I loved it! Hope whoever wanted to see Kurloz is happy. Or maybe not haha! I do love that creep. More characters will show up in the next chapter, let's here some guesses! :P**


	4. Chapter 4

I had a dream that night of Equius, Gamzee, and I. We were all strange looking creatures on a strange planet. Our skin was a medium gray and affixed to our hands were horns that looked like candy corns. Equius and I were the best of friends and Gamzee was a terror in black and white face paint. But no, he didn't start out that way. He was calm and collected but then he lost it on us. Our happiness was once again ruined by him as he cornered Equius and then killed him in front of me.

I knew even in the dream that I had to do something so I threw myself out of a grate headed towards the demonic looking clown. His arm caught mine and he dragged it across his face, purple blood oozing out of his face. And then he killed me, my death was slow and brutal. I was battered to death with what looked like a club, the damage irreversible. I woke up screaming.

When I awoke from my slumber for the second time I remembered none of this. In fact, I felt a rare joy in my life. I couldn't remember a reason for feeling this happy, my brain was still foggy and cloudy from the sleep. As I rolled over on the bed eager to continue my rest it came rushing back, if only because Gamzee was laying spread out next to me. He gave no signs of stirring and so I sighed in relief. With such a rare moment of him being unguarded, I looked at him. I really looked at him.

What did I know about him? I knew he was very tall, I knew he had muscles on his arms, having no problem lifting me up on many occasions. I suspect his strength is vastly underestimated because of his lanky build. He was handsome enough, but it didn't mean anything to me. His scar marred his features, it was puffy and a light flesh color all these years later. The Makara was also very tanned, his skin had a healthy bronzed look. How did he even find time to go outside? I was practically the same color as paper, the same I had always been. I sighed, it was _way_ too early to be spending time thinking of Gamzee like this.

I realize how close I had gotten to him and scooted away. He murmured in his sleep not pleased with the loss of his own personal heater. A light bulb flashed over my head. If I take it slow and am thoughtful maybe I can actually get out this time. It was more of a last ditch effort than a genuine attempt, I knew in my soul. But I knew that was a problem and I didn't really want to address why at least some part of me didn't want to leave. I crawled out of bed shooting a look at the sleeping figure in the bed.

The day was going to be hot and sticky if my already sweaty body was an indicator. I knew I had to disregard this as I set about my business, I already had a plan. It appeared there was a small satchel in the corner and I quickly grabbed it. One last search around the room proved to be fruitful to the escape. I found a half empty container of what looked like water, more clothes I could take, and what looked like a small knife. I then went and searched in his closet before I found what I was looking for, several old sheets of his. I hastily tied them together one by one, doing my best to create a makeshift rope. It seemed a little sketchy but it had to suffice.

I figured this would be as good as it gets and I pulled my short hair into a pony tail. My bangs were sticking to my forehead, I noticed. It was easier for me to notice details in this moment like how the Makara's signature color was very flattering on me. Or how Gamzee could kill so easily if he saw me and how much he would enjoy it and why am I doing this I don't want to die oh god oh god.

Stop.

Get.

It.

Together.

I bit my lip and knew getting to the window would be the scariest step. To do so, I had to go right beside the sleeping Gamzee's bed hoping not to wake him up. There would be no sweet talking out of this, my intent was obvious. As I pressured my still not quite recovered foot to move forward, finally I could. The burst of confidence wouldn't last long so I had to move fast. It was a blessing and a curse that Gamzee's bed was right next to the window, it had a risk factor but it also gave me something nearby to affix my homemade rope to. Slowly creeping past his bed filled my heart with terror but also adrenaline. In no time it seemed I was in front of Gamzee's bed, bending down hastily to tie the most secure knot ever to his bed post.

I straightened myself then tied the rope around my wrist. From my assessment earlier I had determined if I go slow enough I could probably make it all the way down with the rope simply being a safe guard. As soon as I lowered myself out the window onto the window ledge on the outside I knew it was a bad idea and one I would come to regret. Now though, I was determined to continue so I did.

It was slow work and a long drop. I estimated four stories at least. At least if I fell there were bushes at the bottom to cushion my fall. Taking it slow seemed to be working so far as I climbed from missing stone to window piece. I had a few close calls but over all I was confident in my progress. Almost too confident, causing me to almost fall several times. I was sweating intensely now though, the effort taking it's toll on my body. I wonder idly if Equius would be proud of me? The thought gave me renewed vigor and I kept up my plight.

After I had successfully made it down the equivalent of half, I had to stop to take a break. I was sweating profusely feeling thirsty and dehydrated with the sun beating down on me. It had to be at least afternoon now and I was thrilled that Gamzee was sleeping this late. I felt renewed vigor with this and the fact that the next ledge seemed very close. As my foot left the safety of my ledge, I realized how suspicious it sounded. Gamzee was strictly an early bird. I looked up based on instinct and saw a figure looming out the window. My heart sank as he stared at me with an apathetic look. I knew what this meant and I gave out a cry of horror and lost my balance with the other foot.

My heart shuttered in a violent way after I dropped, my stomach going with it. I fell maybe two feet and there was an intense pain in my wrist as I caught it. I was such an idiot, why did I put it there? But it was too late to be concerned with what potentially could be broken because at this moment Gamzee was leaning more out the window using his strong arm muscles to pull the rope up.

I let the horror sink in. He was pulling me back up and the only thing I could see was the horrible scar that puckered on his face. I could tell he was angry because of how he held his jaw. I knew the consequences would be bad, worse than the isolation room for my last attempt. It seemed I only had one option, but it was the last thing I wanted. Or perhaps the second to last.

With my free arm I struggled desperately through the pain and horror of being pulled back up. I dug through the satchel, doing the best I could one handed. I somehow found the knife after an excruciating thirty seconds. Using my last bit of energy and force I sliced at the sheets, the knife biting in. I sawed and hacked until finally I felt it give. Up till that point I felt as if ice was running through my veins.

The last bit of sheet had yet to break and I know Gamzee had begun to notice what I was doing as he sped up his efforts. He was beginning to tire though and I used that to my advantage. I didn't want to do this and yet I knew what I had to do. I brought the knife up one final time and sliced straight through the sheets. The last thing I saw before I began to fall was Gamzee's eyes widening, almost reaching a hand out. I felt a last burst of victory as I fell.

The trip was fast and brilliant, the wind blowing through my hair. Alas three levels isn't terribly high and it was a relatively short drop. Not on my body though I determined. I hit the bushes sinking in them for a moment before rolling off. For a moment I couldn't breathe and I knew bones were broken. The pain was extreme and instantaneous. I couldn't move for several moments several thoughts rushing through my head, was I paralyzed? Did I break every bone in my body? Was Gamzee about to descent upon me from the safety of his castle?

I didn't dare look and instead slowly tested my abilities to move each and individual fingers. All ten worked fine and I breathed in a sigh of relief. Some magical way I hadn't shattered my skull but my wrist I new had to have some serious damage. I would be kicking myself over that mistake for awhile. Over the next ten minutes I tried the same thing again with my legs which proved to be a strenuous task. I cried bitter tears. Bitter with myself, with Gamzee, with everything in my life. I had no choice but to slowly drag myself towards the woods that didn't seem too far from me now. My perception was wrong though, it wouldn't be a big distance if I were walking but with dragging myself with a foot a minute it would be a struggle to make it there before Gamzee.

After a grueling hour of work I had managed to make it into the forest. It was slow travel but I was glad to have made it this far. I was thirsty and starving and I knew that I couldn't make it much farther but for the last indeterminable amount of time I pushed myself, I put my body to the ultimate tax. It did it's best, but it just didn't happen to be good enough and I passed out, nestled next to a tree.

When I awoke, the sun was shining brightly in my face. Too bright, I flinched back. I heard a cackle with a quick "Shut up!" thrown in that direction. I blinked, disorientated. What was going on? I groaned as I recalled the pain, my one good arm moving itself up to my head instantly to try to somehow heal the throbbing pain. It didn't help at all but after a few blinks my vision was clearing. I squinted quite a bit before seeing what must have been a hallucination. After all what would two girls my age be doing lurking around the woods.

"Is she an idiot?" The girl with glasses wondered aloud.

"There is only one idiot here and it is you," the other retorted, she wore bright red glasses covering her eyes.

Suddenly the danger came back to me and I jolted, but I couldn't get up. "Please you.. you have to help me." My throat was dry and speaking was a struggle. "Whatever you do, stay away from the castle. Please take me far away!" My warning wasn't listened to though, as they both shared a chuckle at my expense.

"Boy your boyfriend was right, you're sure fucked up." Glasses said this again, flipping her long black hair over her shoulder. "I would bet eight million dollars that he's inside worried sick about you."

"Exactly!" Her partner smiled, her sharp and dangerous looking teeth stretching over her mouth. "I'm Terezi, and this rude girl over here is Vriska. We're going to take you back to the castle," I struggled here, shouting unintelligible things and Terezi backed off. "...I guess we can't do this the easy way."

"We can never do it the easy way," Vriska confirmed. She was grabbing something out of a pack and it made me uneasy. I saw a bit of liquid shoot into the air and then saw the silver glint and I knew. A shot. "This isn't going to hurt at all, but you're in some bad shape, emotionally and physically. We're just going to knock you out for a tiny biiiitttt." She stretched the last sentence out, and jerkily grabbed my broken arm. I had no ability to block. To the sound of the two of them conversing or bickering, I succumbed once again to the darkness.

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**Hope this chapter is okay, I am writing with a horrible headache but wanted to continue updating once a day. I feel like it isn't my best but at least it is an update! For the record, I didn't expect anyone would guess these two characters haha! Even more to come, I feel like Hussie revealing the alpha trolls. :o) So this is a shot in the dark but is anyone going to Sugoi Con on Saturday? I'm going as dead!Vriska, so if you're there and you see me, say hi! Thanks once again for all the reviews, you guys are the best!**


	5. Chapter 5

I was alone, that much I could determine. I was inside of a room that was cold and small. It's true I didn't remember this room from the castle, but it was undoubtedly where I was. There were always rooms I was forbidden from going in. I was curious what this room used to be used for before my arrival, the dark stains on the floor gave an interesting story. It was scarcely decorated which I suppose you would suspect from a room with bars on the window. There was simply a chair next to my bed that looked very uncomfortable and a little medicine cabinet attached at eye level. Which would be potentially be really nice if I could physically get out of the bed. Apparently the binds that had been tied to me and restricted movement did not agree with my thoughts. One for each arm tied to the bars on the bed. My legs were matched and it was proving to be seriously uncomfortable.

And of course everything in my body hurt, which was getting to be less and less surprising. Bad luck and unfortunate circumstances seemed to follow me everywhere. I wanted to groan at my near escape. I was so close to victory but not close enough. I closed my eyes in frustration, wanting to fight against my bindings in my anger. Who were those girls? What were their names again? Verezi and Triska? Heck if I know and I didn't care anyway. They had ruined my escape attempt. Let's be honest, it wouldn't have ended well anyway but I didn't even get to try.

I could feel a slight bit of victory in escaping the castle, if only for a little though. I felt pleased and more than a little thrilled recalling the shock in Gamzee's face as I fell to the ground... Ouch... maybe I don't want to remember the fall so much, I moaned in my pain.

I wondered idly how long it would be before someone decided to check on me. As I watched the clouds roll by from the window, the sky bright and windy, I decided I would pretend to be sleeping when they came in. Maybe I would hear something that would eventually be interesting. It would be a long and arduous wait to stay still, not fall asleep, and remain completely attentive. I may be exaggerating a touch, but it did seem difficult. One thing I was sure of though, was that it would be a long wait.

Or maybe not, I thought as the door shuffled open. Two sets of feet approached my side of the bed and I regulated my breathing. It was awkward and being aware of your own breath is intensely uncomfortable. The noisy sound of what sounded like a can tapping filled the air. "I don't even get why you need that," Said the girl with the needle yesterday. "You are a super freaky blind person, I don't even know how you can get around without your eyesight."

"My eyes were never good, you know! My other senses though, are exceptional." I could hear the apparent blind girl bragging, it almost sounded like a dig to the other.

"Well I am sorry I am not practically a dog who can smell and hear for up to a mile away," Okay I was definitely sure that was a dig. These girls seemed to have a very antagonistic relationship I noted as one huffed and put her arms to her chest. "This is booooooooring!" The same girl said, dragging her voice out to almost insufferable on the syllable. "What's so special about this girl anyways?" She kicked my bed to illustrate her point. I was growing irritated, but she raised a good question. What was special about me? What had alerted them to find me? Was it Gamzee?

"Why do you expect me to know? It's not like he tells me anything anyways." This voice sounded like it was hiding something from the other, it was clear her relationship with the leader was definitely different from the whining one. Perhaps she was second in command.

"Yeah but he at least likes you! He can't stand me, but at least the feeling is mutual." It was true, the sound in her voice and her past comments led me to believe she really didn't care at all about their leader. She must have a deeper motivation. Money? Royalty? I wasn't good at these guessing games and couldn't understand why anyone would want to kidnap someone for money.

It was driving me crazy not knowing who they were discussing. It would be so easy to ask them, but not as easy to get an answer. I had a feeling whatever they were doing it was secretive business. Thinking back to yesterday, their clothes were definitely an indicator. They both wore all black with the exception of the girl with the normal glasses and long hair who wore a dark gray jacket that seemed to be a tad too big for her. Yesterday they were not looking to be found, they were looking to find.

"C'mon Terezi! I know you know!"

"I really don't, Vriska! Calm down don't get your panties in a bunch. The only thing I know that you MIGHT," She raised her voice to illustrate how she doubted Vriska didn't know this, "not know is that we're just supposed to do whatever that Makara boy wants."

"I knew it, you liar!" I could practically hear Vriska scowling. "Whatever. And what a creepy dude, this chick must be a real weirdo to be with him!" She kicked my bed again. I can see this was going to be a thing of hers.

I heard Terezi chuckle as she said, "Your jealousy isn't very flattering on you. But yeah, I agree. He is a definite creep. I don't know what we're doing, doing business with him. Karkles must know what he's doing though, I guess."

"Ew, gross. Don't call him Karkles. I am going to throw up." Fake vomit sounds were coming from her general direction. I heard the sound of something being thrown and Vriska screeching. "Come on I just washed this shirt! I don't even like mashed potatoes, God!" Another object was thrown and using my keen deduction skills I figured out they were throwing their lunch at each other. What a bunch of shitty guards.

They were chuckling by the end though, one remarking "Man Karkat is going to be hella pissed." They both laughed again, before I heard their feet shuffling by with the cane again. They closed the door behind them, leaving me in the room by myself once again.

I resisted the urge to sigh, thinking over what I had learned. Someone was after me, not just Gamzee. That someone was named Karkat, and he had helpers. Minions? Whatever. At any rate, he was definitely trying to find me. What was his significance? I had never heard of him before, not even from Gamzee. So why did he intend to help out Gamzee? I had so many questions but no answers, it was dizzying to think about. And what was the motivation of the girls? If they were after something I could give them, I could maybe get them on my side.

Silently I plotted to myself for longer, occasionally opening my eyes to get a look around the room. There was food smeared around the walls and on the floor. I was bitter in my confinement and I realized I was starving. I decided now was not the time to be silent, it was the time for answers. I shouted a tentative "Hello?" hoping someone would answer my call.

No answer. I called again, not giving up. It ended up taking several tries and me almost shouting myself hoarse before I finally paused and notice the sounds of disturbance outside my room. I tried my best to sit up, the arm I had assumed to be broken did not appear to be, though it throbbed in a horrible fashion that completely threw laying on it out the window. I grit my teeth to cover the pain. Finally the door began to open slowly. A moment later I saw the figure of a boy my age I had never in my life seen before. At the ripe age of eighteen, I had seen many men. None though, seemed as different to me as this boy though in quite awhile. He couldn't have been tall for a boy, maybe closer to average. His features were very delicate for his face, with shapely lips and wide doe eyes. He had shaggy light brown hair and bags under his red eyes. I had never seen eyes like that before, I was entranced.

This mysterious person would have been the most handsome boy I had ever seen if he didn't have such a surly expression on his face. He assessed me for a good few minutes before declaring, "You look like shit."

I was stunned into further silence, not knowing quite what to say. This boy was the most rude boy I had ever met in my life. And I knew Equius! I glared at him. "Of course I look bad you asshole, I fell out of a fucking castle, felt like I broke nearly every bone in my body, then somehow managed to drag myself to safety until these weird girls showed up!" No, I wasn't bitter. Not at all.

He continued to talk as if I hadn't said anything at all. "Sollux and Kanaya did the best they could, or at least they would have if they could fucking agree on anything! Science or Traditional methods! Who gives a fuck!" He threw his hands in the air. Eventually he decided his rant had sufficed and that he should get to the point. "Which brings us back to you." His red eyes were fixed back on me, and I had the urge to ask him about them. No, Nepeta, stay focused. "Who are you?"

I blinked. "What?"

"Who. Are. You." He enunciated carefully, staring at me dead in the face as he spoke slowly, mocking me. I knew I was offended but for some reason it didn't get to me. He narrowed his eyes at me, "Why am I supposed to be looking for you?"

This was news to me and I told him such. "Listen, sir, I really have no way to help you. I barely know my own name in this castle!" The last part came out in a burst and I had a feeling something was going to happen soon. I spoke this last part in a loud whisper and quickly, "You have to help me get out of here, the leader, Gamzee, is crazy. Please, please help me!" Before I knew it, thick tears were leaking out of my eyes. I had almost accepted I would never leave but I knew I had to fight. I only prayed that he could understand me.

He looked back at me confused, he opened his mouth to question me the door opened again. This time it was who I was waiting for, Gamzee. He slouched into the room the way he always does, in his baggy pants that just barely hung around his thin hips and they slunk dangerously low in a way that stirred up feelings I know I shouldn't be feeling about him. So I simply ignored it, it was easier that way. His expression was practically unreadable, I had no clue what it was telling me. He waved a hand in acknowledgment at the fellow who was in the room with us. Gamzee strolled over to my bed and sat at my side. As he sat down, I looked up at him. Now I could finally see the steel in his eyes. He had not forgotten and he was waiting.

"My poor little Nepeta, you have got to stop climbing every which way around the castle. Look at how much you've already hurt yourself!" He reached out a hand that had still not quite healed from the duel with his dad and said "I was looking all over for you yesterday when Karkat and his friends came over," From the irritated look on _Karkat's_ face, I gathered this was true. So this was the elusive Karkat who was going to do whatever Gamzee asked. Interesting. He looked like he had no clue what was going on.

I weighed my options in my response. I could play along to whatever Gamzee was saying and play it safe or risk angering him in an effort to convince Karkat. I decided Karkat did not seem to care enough about me to want to hear my sob story so I played along. "I'm sorry, Gamzee." I did my best to make a convincing sad face, if albeit a little over dramatic. "When I saw the butterfly by the window I knew I had to go after it. Alas I leaned too far out, falling the whole way!" I was mocking Gamzee mercilessly, his eyes growing darker as I talked. I could see I was clearly making it worse for myself but I couldn't stop. "And then after I fell I saw it fly off into the forest so I dragged my self after it! I almost caught it too." I knew I was going to be in so much trouble, but the joy in watching Gamzee squirm after me had caused me joy in a way I had not felt before.

"You fell down basically three stories and pulled yourself with two broken bones... to chase after a butterfly." Karkat stated this as if this story was the biggest bit of bullshit he had ever heard in his life. Judging by the expression on his face, I had to figure he had seen a lot of bullshit in his life. "You've got to be joking."

Though I could tell Gamzee's attitude was dark and he was clearly going to take it out on me in a horrible way, he turned around and looked at Karkat with a "isn't it just so sad?" expression on his face. "She lost her friend to a brutal killer when she was younger... She hasn't been the same since." A flash of fury built up inside of me. But somehow I knew shouting "you killed him!" wasn't the best way to go about this, so I took my fury and pent it up inside of me. I hoped it would be helpful in the future. It almost seemed like he belittled my friendship with Equius, and though it was only a few years and we were young, I knew we were the best definition of friends. And that's why I hurt so much, because it reminded me that I had the taste of a true companion and then had it brutally taken away from me. Gamzee doesn't know anything about friends. He didn't know anything about suffering. He doesn't know anything about anything but dysfunctional and harmful relationships.

Karkat cleared his throat and said, "What the fuck ever, I don't care. Gamzee, you know why I'm here. Why did the Signless want me here so badly." It was phrased as a question but it was more of a demand. But this new bit of information rocked me to the core. I tried my best to sit up before the pain of my arm caused me to fall back to the comfortable bed.

I settled for leaning up at him again using my good arm. "You know the Signless!"

Karkat looked uncomfortable at this. "Yeah, I guess."

Gamzee could clearly see my excitement with Karkat and had enough. "You look so tired, Nepeta. You should go to bed for the afternoon." He pat me on the shoulder as I glared at him. He couldn't do that to me now. Not when I was so close to my potential savior. Everything could go well now and it all depended on Karkat. I had such high hopes, I knew it would work. My spirits were sailing and I was beaming at Karkat despite my anger. Karkat was once again mystified and gave me a look as such. Gamzee saw the look on my face and saw me staring at Karkat and he suddenly looked furious, more furious than I had seen in awhile. "Aren't you tired?" This was directed at me, and with his back to Karkat his face was full of menace and though his voice still remained calm and concerned, there was a distinct edge in his voice that easily detectable.

"No." But it wasn't me who answered this, it was Karkat. He walked closer to my bed while speaking. "She can't go to bed and there's no way she's tired. You know I have to talk to her." He leveled a look at Gamzee who seemed to begrudgingly accept the statements truth. Gamzee gripped his hands close together to his sides before standing up. "You're right, I will leave you to be. I will be back, kitty. Don't worry about that." He said it in a light voice as if it wasn't a big deal to me, though I knew the truth. The assurance at the end was a threat and a promise. I knew it would be in my best interest to play it safe. As Gamzee crossed through the door, he shot me one last look, this one pure passion. I regarded him stonily before turning my attention to Karkat. Gamzee noticed and slammed the door shut as he passed betraying his anger.

Karkat jumped a bit before saying, "What a fucking weirdo! Why you'd want to marry him, I haven't got a clue." What? I wanted to interject before he continued. Karkat obviously has no patience for others and has to take control.

He continued his long winded speech leaning against a wall nearest to my bed, "I've been looking for you for quite awhile. Since I was twelve, if you want to get specific. I had a normal family and was going to have a normal life, or so I had thought..." He was really about to tell me his life story. Karkat saw the look I gave him before replying irritably, "Don't give me that fucking look, this is important. Anyways!" He gave me a look for interrupting previously. "When I was twelve, my life took a different path. When I was walking home from school one day, how fucking miserable that was! Who wants to play with a kid who was red eyes? Let me fucking tell you: no one. So I was walking home hating myself when I heard someone approach me. I assumed it was more bullies come to pick on me again and I puffed up my chest and tried to seem tough and belligerent."

I had a hard time not imagining Karkat not seeming belligerent, truth be told. He could tell this by the look on my face but continued without interruption, "As the figure got closer though, I saw it was a man in a cloak. Now I had known about the Signless but he had been on par with a fairy tale for me, I barely saw him as a real person. So when the person introduced himself as that, I didn't believe him. I tried to stomp past him before he pulled down his cloak and there staring back at me was a man who shared my same rare eye color." I was shocked and he seemed pleased, basking in the moment of his story telling.

"When someone talks to you and they have red fucking eyes, you listen. Don't fucking laugh I don't mean this about me! But he told me that he was the Signless and that he had been watching me for awhile. He knew I was different and he was different too." Karkat looked lost in his memories at this moment. This was clearly a hard and emotional memory for him. I didn't understand though, I would think it would be happy. "He told me I was going to be like him and follow in his footsteps. So for six years I have been. And that's what leads me to you. What business do you have with the Signless?"

His stare was so intense and I was dazed. I had never been so attracted to someone in my life, but I knew now was a bad time be thinking of that though. Any time was a bad time for that, but now was an especially bad time. Karkat blushed and looked away, clearly irritable that his intense questioning did not have the effect he wanted. "Freaking girls are so weird."

At that I snapped out of it. I knew I had to explain to Karkat but what was the approved story for this... I knew there was no "approved" way when it involved Gamzee being potentially caught for his crimes but it had to be revealed. "When I was eight, I was an orphan." This was easy enough. This was a good start. "I wasn't getting on well in the streets, I passed out from lack of food, water, and altogether just exhaustion. The Singless saw me and declared that it would never happen again in the Zahhak kingdom. He said he would come back in ten years to check on me." I beamed at the memory and of having my dreams of being saved come true. That's all I wanted, was the chance to be free. "Where is he? Can I see him?"

Karkat looked at my expression and had an unreadable one of his own. "No."

I was aghast. Didn't he want to see me like I wanted to see him? I waited ten years for him and I couldn't see him? Did he not really care about the orphan on the street. My question was simple enough. "Why?"

"Because he is dead." Karkat said flatly.

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**This chapter is longer than the others to make up for it being a few hours late!**

**To anon: MOG MOG MOG! Haha! it isn't so hard to write. You just have to love to do it and stay determined even if you aren't proud of your skills yet. There are so many stories I have deleted from here because I have improved and my skills have grown. It's like any other thing, the longer you do it the better you get at it. :o) **

**To Laughing Ninja about the troll dream: dang haha, that's a good one. If only I were clever enough to come up with that. :P If anything it gives me a new idea. I don't need those haha! So many stories and ideas to write about! No real importance but that would have been a fun idea. **

**I am serious I love all of my reviewers! Especially the ones (pretty sure you know who you guys are!) that have commented on every or almost every chapter so far, you guys_ seriously_ brighten my day. If I am having a bad day at work or feeling sick it just comforts me to see you guys enjoy this fic so much! By the way I am planning to put up an extra chapter on either Friday or Sunday to make up for me being absent on Saturday. I will put some pictures up on my profile of my costume when I can, whether you want to see them or not lol! As I am writing this it is a Friday morning so I hope you all have a lovely weekend!**


	6. Chapter 6

There was a lot to absorb especially given how action packed the past few days had been. My talk with Karkat had been interrupted shortly after he had dropped that bomb and we decided to take a break with the information. We didn't know how private this conversation should be and we especially didn't want someone else to listen to it. I had my doubts though that Kanaya, my very patient and beautiful nurse, would spread on the news.

I much preferred her presence to Sollux's, who also was a nurse of sorts to me. Sometimes my body felt worse after dealing with both of them because of their radically different treatments. Kanaya seemed to subscribe to more natural methods that I wasn't sure were helping in my humble opinion. Sollux's method, in my opinion, was much better if only for the nice pain killers that made my brain hurt less and the pain in bones to disappear entirely. Sollux though was seriously unfriendly though, and I had a feeling his opinion of me was very low. Kanaya though was a different story entirely.

She seemed to detest Gamzee in a way not dissimilar to the way I did and eyed my injuries in a critical way. I suspect she knew there was something much deeper going on than what was initially revealed. For someone who is involved in so much of this information, you would think I would be more informed. But I wasn't chosen to be informed so as I lay in my bed, mercilessly untied from my bindings, sulking I had plenty of time to go over the news in my head.

At some point or another, it had been directly mentioned that Gamzee and I were soon to be engaged. _What_? Did this happen to be during a time when I was particularly high off the medication? It had to be another lie by Gamzee but what could be his motivation? I knew I would never know because he is unpredictable and I for one could not follow his thought process. If he even had one, somehow I doubted it.

Though that news was upsetting, the most disturbing news I had heard so far was that The Signless was dead. Truthfully I barely remember talking to the man but he was such a symbol of hope to me, I wanted more for him. I didn't even know how he died, when he died. I just knew that my heart felt sadness again. The hopelessness felt overpowering before I remembered another character with a red iris.

Karkat was something new entirely. I couldn't even say anything about him, I didn't know him. I was so attracted to him and I prayed it was solely because of the Signless and not because of his personality. The worst part was that Gamzee undoubtedly knew of my attraction and I couldn't tell if this was going to be an advantage to me or a serious disadvantage. I had the sinking suspicion it would be bad though, if only because my life seemed to suck like that.

"What are you thinking about?" Kanaya asked this, looking over her notes on me from the chair. I jumped I had nearly forgotten she was there. She looked up at me, her perfectly made up face was the exact portrait of composed. "One minute you look like you're in love the next you look like you're about ready to cry. Is there something you would like to talk about?"

I frowned. Karkat didn't want me to tell anyone so I would obey his wish but I still felt like Kanaya could be trusted. I bit my lip before stating, "I am just nervous is all. Lot's of things are happening right now."

Kanaya nodded and continued revising her notes. "You are right, there is a lot happening right now. Would you like to talk about your upcoming engagement, Karkat, or your tumble out the castle." She raised an auburn eyebrow at me. It was obvious to her then that there were many subjects on my mind. Hell, it was probably obvious to everyone.

The safest option was Karkat and that's the one I chose. She looked as unsurprised as ever. "I have not known Karkat for long but what I do know about him is mostly good. He enjoys being right but more than that he enjoys helping in his odd ways. His bark is worse than his bite in a lot of ways, too, though. For example he often underestimates himself and doesn't fight back to his true potential. He could save the world if he would stop hating himself so much."

It was obvious that she was very fond of Karkat, which I felt now left me in an awkward position. "It is not me you have to worry about. I am merely his motherly figure, even if I am his age." She chuckled, finding it amusing. "I would be concerned for Terezi, the blind one. Her and Vriska are a force to reckon with." She had a weak face here but caried on, "not to mention your own burden, Gamzee. I do not suppose your future husband would be thrilled in your interest in Karkat."

I did not much appreciate the statement, though it was true, so decided to get my revenge. "Why did you make that face when you talked about Vriska?" As much as I liked Kanaya, I liked her more when she was seen and not heard.

"What face would you be referring to?" She said in complete poker face, before flipping a long leg over the other and sitting primly like a queen. I had to hand it to her, she did. Kanaya had a certain sense of fashion.

"The heart broken expression." I knew that expression well, it was one I often had myself. Under different circumstances certainly, but the main point behind it was one I knew well. Wanting something so badly and having it taken away. I knew she was upset now and she gave me a hasty excuse as to how she had to help Karkat now, and that maybe I should take my new freedom to walk around?

Walk around I shall! I huffed. I pulled the covers off me and quickly jumped out of the bed. Before when I suspected my bones had been broken due to my tumble off the rope, I was right. Due to Sollux's science wizardry though, they had somehow been fixed. Though I had known the technology existed in days like today, I rarely encountered it. The Makara's didn't care much for trying to understand the current decade. Or really anything but indulging in whatever they found interesting at that moment.

As I scuttled out of the room, I knew at the moment I was the thing Gamzee wanted. If only now because my spirit had returned, I was prepared to fight back. He had always valued me as some sort of item, but now I seemed like I had no interest in being there and like somehow I might make it out. It was killing him, I knew.

I am sure he took a little bit of pride in the fact that right now I wasn't going anywhere. I had a chance to learn about something I had wondered and hoped for since I was eight.

There would be no more escape attempts at least for awhile. I happened to chance by a mirror as I was just enjoying a casual stroll through out the castle. I was enjoying the time if only because Gamzee sent most of the Makara's away for awhile. They had other places they could retire too, but Gamzee did not trust their ability to remain calm and not attack. While they would follow the Highblood's orders without question, Gamzee did not. What was more disturbing than the current events though, was my general appearance. I had always been on the skinny side but with quite a bit of muscle. Now though, I was simply skin and bones. My skin had taken on the color of porcelain which was not terribly flattering on me. My hair looked greasy and limp.

What I wanted right now was to look like my own person, like an individual. I wanted not to be seen as someone who grew more and more decayed the deeper time went on. And then my mind was made on. Besides, I desperately needed a pair of new clothes anyway, the only thing I had on was a flimsy hospital gown that I knew was definitely a bad idea to continue wearing.

The only question was, where to go? Was it safe to go back to my room? I decided to risk it and jogged lightly to my room. I knew vaguely where it was, though I didn't have the best memory. After a few wrong turns I finally found it. I took a deep breath and finally pushed the door open. It was... exactly as I had left it. Nothing was missing, nothing had been touched. I was happy to be back. My walls were still grass green, a very calming color. My bed was still unmade with pillows laying on the floor, stray feathers pouring out of them.

But my focus wasn't on that, it was getting in and out. Over the years I had amassed a small mountain of clothes that I had no purpose of wearing. Gamzee had a very funny sense of humor wear he would buy me beautiful clothes and things that he knew I could never wear. But now, I would. The dress I chose wasn't terribly fancy but I had a feeling it would be flattering and I was excited. As I bundled that and my undergarments together I bolted from the room to the shower.

My room luckily had a bathroom built in and as I twisted the nob to barge in, I was thrilled and excited to see it. I quickly closed and locked the door behind me and stripped down. A luxurious soak was just what I needed to think things over, I decided. I quickly jumped into the bath once it was at the perfect temperature and sank down low. This was literally perfection, how had I not known this before?

Probably because I was too busy being a hostage in this house. Now though, with other people in it I felt like I could finally take a moment to relax. I didn't want to live such an intense life, I never had. Life doesn't really work out how you would like.

Priority number one was to find Karkat after I was done getting dressed. Then once we finished our discussion, finding Gamzee would be the challenge. I knew that was risky but there are some answers I had to get, and if I couldn't work up the courage now... then I never would. I continued to lounge contently in the water for ten more minutes before I decided I had had enough and it was time to get started. As I drained the water and stood up, I chanced looking at the door again. Somehow, I suppose I had forgotten to lock it. Or at least I prayed that's what had happened. I blocked my mind to the possibility and wrapped the towel around me and jumped out of the tub to lock the door.

The soft towel was not enough to distract me but it helped. I continued getting ready as if there were no interruptions and hummed a tune I made out of nowhere. I dried my hair. I thought of Karkat. I thought of Terezi and Vriska. But still I could feel my bad mood disappearing. Truly it was a dreadful feeling, I didn't want to accept what it meant. But I knew that I absolutely had to. It seemed the order in my steps were going to be mixed around.

I wanted time though, I didn't want to talk to Gamzee yet. So I waited till my hair was fully dried, and then started applying my make up. Truth be told I knew very little about make up so I just added a little eyeliner and mascara, rubbed some blush on my face and called it a day. My hair looked the same as always but I figured that I had to take baby steps anyways. My favorite part of the new me was the black dress I wore. It was very simple and it was just what I wanted, with a flowing and loose skirt part but a tight and fitted part for my torso. The swishing around my hips and thighs helped me to feel more confident and I was pleased.

I looked in the mirror, proud of what I saw facing back at me. I was the same girl as before though, nothing would change that. Still dangerously underweight, still pale as the moon. I was okay though. Or I would be, I settled. It was now time to act, at that moment I slowly unlocked the door and then swung it open as quick as possible, eager to catch Gamzee by surprise. I was greeted by an empty room, the pervert had fled already. I scowled.

I did one more brief search around the room before it was clear to me that he was absolutely not here. I knew what I had to do. I had to find Gamzee before he found me.

Nepeta → Seek The Highblood

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**This was mostly just a filler chapter for all the stuff that's going to happen soon. I can see you guys enjoyed Karkat haha! As for whether Gamzee legitimately cares for Nepeta or not... I guess you will have to wait and see! Also if it's getting cold where you are, make sure to take extra precautions to not get sick because it sucks! Thanks again for all the reviews I love you guys times infinity.**


	7. Chapter 7

To say I was frustrated would be the biggest understatement of the year. I lived basically all my free time, the rare time I got it, in fear of Gamzee finding me. When I was trying to find the elusive tyrant, he was nowhere to be found.

I had been searching for hours now and though I had found everyone but Gamzee, it didn't improve my spirits. The castle was getting darker as the sky did and the eerie glow of the candles was throwing off a strange glow. I pushed on.

After walking for so long it seemed as if the hallways and passage ways were getting shorter and shorter as I continued down them, or they all blended in. When you have no hope of escape you don't consider your layout though you have been there for years. Now I regretted it, maybe I would have a better handle of the layout if I had tried sooner.

But I was doing the best I could now, I knew. And there was only going to be one thing getting done tonight, and that was talking to Gamzee. The sane thing was not to go find a very insane and capricious leader but I knew it was my only option. If luck was on my side then he would be in a cooperative mood. If it wasn't... I didn't want to think about it. So I thought about something that had been plaguing me since I had begun, my legs were hurting. If I could just focus on the pain of my bruised soles than it was easier to forget I was on a death mission. Often I tried to think of why I had been actively seeking out trouble from Gamzee, maybe I had a death wish? Maybe a part of me liked it?

Both options confused and slightly sickened me. Maybe there was truth in them, I couldn't be sure. After all, how could I enjoy anything Gamzee gave me? Especially the mental torture? I didn't see how someone could enjoy it.

Things with him were just... complicated, I decided. Complicated being he killed my best friend and now probably wants to kill me too. So not very complicated at all.

On that grim note I finally recognized something that I had been looking for. The way my heart filled with dread, perhaps it was an indicator I wasn't as prepared as I had first believed. Gamzee's room stood in front of me and I knew I had found my destination.

At first glance it really didn't seem like much. Granted, it was intimidating and imposing, but what wasn't here? The door was thick and heavy wood, it was very heavy. It was framed in dark and imposing blocks of stone and the worst off, it seemed to be lightly speckled in flecks of blood. The last one wasn't immediately apparent unless you knew where to look. Naturally I knew where to look, having been there when some of it was there. The scariest thing of all though, was knowing that Gamzee was probably inside.

I took a deep breath, gathering my courage. I dug my fingers into my palms bringing up little beads of blood. I didn't care. After I had approached it I came to a halt in front of the door. I knew I had to go and move fast or else I would lose my nerve. So I did, I pushed the door right open, though losing a bit of the dramatic appeal because of how slowly it moved open.

I was waiting with bated breath and leaped into the room, prepared to corner him. I was like a master hunter stalking their prey... Or I would have seemed that way had he been in there. This was getting a little ridiculous. I sighed then frowned. Well, what's the point in getting all the way here and then turning around? I was tempted to turn around and just leave, but the only thing I did was turn around and calmly close the door. If I heard someone approaching I would just hide under the bed, easy enough. I knew nothing really was that easy but it was easier to fake myself into thinking it was.

Now that I had gotten into the final step of my plan, I didn't know where to start. I hadn't been in here since the window incident and it was a little overwhelming and strange to be back in here. Dwelling on that brought up a whole bunch of emotions I didn't want to deal with. Gamzee had given me so many feelings it was so hard to sort them out in my head. I doubted I would ever know how to feel. I shuffled over to a desk that sat in the corner of the room. On top lay nothing of importance, as I opened a drawer, I was invested in searching through it's contents.

Any mention of marriage or Karkat is what I was searching for. As I was halfway through, papers strewn all over lap, I heard the sound of approaching foot steps. I knew what to do, I hastily threw all the papers back in the drawer and climbed under the bed. As soon as I was underneath the bed, the door was opened again. Though I was safely under the bed I wondered how long it would last for. Gamzee couldn't be impossible to trick though? I remained confident, I was going to do well this time. I heard more steps around the room, though I didn't see them. This was partly because I was partaking in the old saying of "if I can't see you, you can't see me," though the point was ruined by my eyes being closed.

More steps were heard before they came to an abrupt stop... I wasn't a fan of that. I opened my eyes to see if the feet were in front of the bed and... oh no... A scarred face staring back at me. On reflex I started kicking hearing a "fuck!" coming from Gamzee. I scrambled to the top of the bed, next to the wall. I didn't move quite fast enough though and he managed to grab one foot. He was holding his nose with the other hand trying to stop the bleeding. The blood was smeared on his face and the hand, hopefully I scarred it. I wrapped my arms around the wood panels under his bed. Maybe I was stronger than one handed Gamzee... That thought pattern was stopped in it's tracks after a violent tug. If my grip didn't break from the pressure perhaps he would pull the whole leg off. But I remained, gripping the bar and kicking with both my feet as much as I could.

My left foot evaded capture for quite awhile before he finally caught it. That's when I knew I was coming out from under the bed, whether I wanted to or not. Finally with one final tug, my hands were wrenched from the board and flailing and kicking I was pulled out.

My feet were let go of and in a second my arms were grabbed. That didn't stop me from kicking every which way, decency in a dress be damned.

I sometimes made contact with my feet, sometimes I missed him by a mile but it didn't matter as he pulled me up by my arms. He didn't even look at me as he threw me roughly on the bed. I tried to roll off but he jumped on the bed, specifically on top of me. Gamzee squashed my insides and knocked the air out of me as he did so. I was momentarily stunned and he took advantage of this as he grabbed my face roughly and forced me to look at him. His blood was no framing my face and occasionally it would drop on me as his face hovered over mine.

We didn't say anything for awhile though I could scarcely feel my legs anymore from the pressure of him straddling them. My heart was beating crazy fast, it felt like it would bump out of my chest. We had moments like this before but never with so much blood... or passion. Gamzee was staring at me in a way he never had before and I didn't know how it made me feel. It stirred unnatural feelings in me, advance or abscond?

That choice was made better for me as Gamzee leaned down to kiss me. It was surprisingly tender, though a bit sticky from the blood from his nose. He had me pinned so that I couldn't move. I wasn't sure I would have wanted to even if he had. Probably the only person I hated more than Gamzee at that moment was me for not stopping it. But I couldn't, or at least that's how it felt. A better word would probably be didn't want to. It had been so long since I had felt such a tender moment, I decided, enjoying the way our tongues felt swirling together.

I felt Gamzee's hands stop from pinning mine and felt them wander across my body. It was strange, though I felt like I had some objections, I also felt possessed to the point that nothing was mine anyway. So I made no effort to stop. Besides any Gamzee that was not hurting me was a good Gamzee. Suddenly as if out of nowhere, he bit down on my lip. It was painful and I looked up at him, startled. I could feel the blood pooling from my lip and it dripped over my cheek onto his bed. "Just to be fucking fair," he clarified. Ah, I got it. It was payback for his nose bleed.

Suddenly I remembered why I was here in the first place. "Gamzee," I tried, "I have to talk to you." He hummed in response before leaning down again. The taste of copper was now over powering. I struggled against him but nothing worked. Eventually I was neutral, neither for nor against. Simply there. After awhile this bored him, and he separated again, breathing heavily.

"That was your first fucking kiss wasn't it?" He laughed loudly as if the very idea thrilled him. "No, wait, first willing kiss." He smirked now, suddenly I was embarrassed. "Well, Nepeta, aren't you going to fucking say something?"

I remained silent, glaring at him defiantly. It was true, I didn't have much pride, but I was at least going to pretend like I did.

His eyes grew darker and I knew his mood was getting darker too. "That is unless Karkat's gotten to you." He chuckled again at the blush that spread across my face. "No, he wouldn't. Did you know he likes someone? And she likes him back. And that person is definitely not you." He lifted his finger and poked me in the nose, "honk."

"You don't know what you're talking about Gamzee." My voice was strong somehow, though I felt so weak and embarrassed.

He shook his head. "I've seen the way you mother fucking look at him. He's looked at you, too, but never like that. He thinks you're weird and sad. And look at you, who would want you covered in blood? You should take care of yourself more." Tears were welling up in my eyes. This isn't what I wanted to happen, this wasn't in the plan. "Besides, he knows you're mine. I let him know."

"I am not yours!" I shouted this at him, bringing my hand up to smack him but his hands quickly stretched out to stop it. He pinned my arms back over my head. He was so much stronger than me, I wasn't sure what to do. I felt very vulnerable just laying on the bed with him on top of me. "I will never, ever be yours Gamzee Makara." I put as much venom as I could into my voice, hoping I could at least make an impact at all. He didn't seem to notice or care.

"I figured if I'm going to be king of this place, I couldn't not have a fucking queen, you know?" He looked at me again, and I realized this is why he had told Karkat that we were getting married. Halfway jealousy, halfway to be the ruler.

"Why don't you just admit you're jealous?" I taunted. "I know you want me, I can feel it. And you're mad because I. Don't. Want. You." My anger was getting the best of me and I was talking back. Never the smartest thing to do and yet I couldn't stop myself. "The problem with wanting what you can't have is that you will never get it. And that's killing you, isn't it?"

His face wore a look of rage and suddenly he was kissing me again, or we were kissing, but it wasn't the gentle kind like before. It was filled with hate and lust and it was over powering. We were pulling each others hair and rolling around, smearing blood everywhere. I just hated him so much, but I was so attracted to him. I gave a particularly hard yank to his hair and he let out a shaky breath. It was one of the few moments I had him under my control and it was a powerful feeling.

I rolled us over and pinned his arms back, though he didn't fight me very much on it. I reached under his skin while we were kissing and I made deep scratches in his skin, I knew blood would be bubbling up if it wasn't already. Hopefully it would scar. It was nice to have the freedom of my legs, I decided as I sat on top of him. Gamzee looked up at me and I wasn't sure what to read from his eyes. I wonder, though, what he saw in mine? Suddenly we were together again and it didn't matter anymore. My fingers weaving into his tangled and thick hair, occasionally pulling some.

I didn't hear the door open but Gamzee gripped my arms and forced me to stay put as he stared up at me. I was confused and wanted to jump off him, but was too scared. When I heard who it belonged to, I was frozen in place. "Hey, Nepeta, when do you..." Then he went silent.

"She's fucking busy," Gamzee said before pulling me down to kiss again. I was as solid as stone, not cooperating. This was a very compromising position; it had to be very obvious what we were doing. I felt embarrassed and humiliated. I felt a lot of things, mostly horror that I had been involved like this with Gamzee.

"I fucking see that," Karkat said as he left the room, slamming the door shut.

Gamzee dropped his arms off me, and I launched myself off him as he laughed at my misfortune. "I fucking hate you so much," I told him, tears of anger welling up in my eyes.

He laughed at what I said and he was still laughing as he leaned off his bed and reached into a little nightstand set by it. "Then fucking do something about it. If you hate me as much as you say..." Gamzee grabbed something by it, gave one final chuckle, and then turned around and lightly threw it at me. I barely caught it and it glimmered in the light. I looked down at it, it was a knife. I knew I couldn't kill him so I just stood in front of him still, hating every bit of him.

He was sitting on the edge of the bed in front of me, mocking me mercilessly. Just by smiling I was thrown into a rage. But I couldn't kill him and he knew it. "Go on, little kitten, kill me. Kill me like I killed your friend. What was his name again? Oh yes, Equius. As soon as he opened the door to protect you, I was there. I strangled him, did you know that? He didn't even put up a fight." He said all of this with a straight face, as if daring me to kill him.

The rage inside of me was palpable. For all the years I had been tortured and for all the people he had killed, I wanted to kill him. But I knew I didn't want to deal with the guilt of his death on my hands. So I did another thing that would make me feel better. As soon as he started laughing at me, for the final time, I decided. Quick as lightning I reached up, slicing his face parallel to the one I left as a twelve year old. This one was just as deep, undoubtedly leaving another scar. He gave a cry as he grabbed his face, shouting "What the FUCK did you do?!"

I threw the knife on the ground, "Go on. Kill me." I was over his games, and unlike him, I knew he wouldn't do anything.

After standing there for seconds and he didn't do anything, I knew I had won. I calmly walked out of the room though I was feeling anything but calm on the inside. I closed the door behind me and sat outside it and cried. I hated myself and I hated Gamzee so fucking much I could scream.

I heard footsteps but didn't look up. "Wow. What the hell's wrong with you?" I looked up from my tears and my bloody lip and saw it was Vriska. I just shrugged and she looked awkward. "Well, uh, why don't you come with me? Not that I'm being nice or anything, but anything to piss off Gamzee." And she extended an arm to me. I accepted it and she pulled me up. "Just follow me, I guess."

And after a minute or two we were in front of her door and she opened the door a little bit, looked inside a second before ushering me in after her. Her room was a wreck. The whole place was completely trashed and it was all her doing. If I weren't in such a miserable mood I would have thought it was funny. The one person the Makara's couldn't out mess.

"Sorry about the mess..." She had the decency too look embarrassed. "Me and Ka... I mean I am just a slob is all. Anyway, just go ahead and use the bathroom or whatever. You can use clothes or whatever. Just clean up that blood, okay?"

I walked to the adjoining bathroom not saying anything. I closed the door behind me, and turned to the sink. I washed the blood off me, some of it mine, some of it his. I cried as I did it, deep loud sobs. I was so dysfunctional, I was broken. Equius would be so disappointed in me, I knew. I wasn't someone he would be proud of. I doubted I ever would be.

For awhile I lay on the ground just sobbing. Eventually though, my bones began to ache and I left the bathroom. Vriska was in the doorway talking to someone outside in hushed tones before she cut off the conversation and closed the door in their face before I could see who it was. She turned around to me before saying, "Hey, uh, do you just want to go to bed? You can go ahead and have my bed, I have some stuff to do."

I nodded appreciatively, the crying had worn me out. I was happy she didn't feel the need to ask me about the crying. I just wanted to be left alone. I fell into the bed, not bothering to change my clothes and fell asleep instantly, the warm covers forming a cocoon around me.

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**I know I promised two chapters but I figured an extra long one and super sloppy bloody hate make outs make up for it. I hope no one feels triggered, haha! My sister drew some beautiful art for the fic and I am in love with it! I had an awesome time at the con, I will get around to pictures eventually. Anyways, happy reading and thanks for reading. :o)**


	8. Chapter 8

When I woke up nothing was clear to me still. I had no more answers than when I went to bed. What else was new? Who was there to talk to to gain more information? I grudgingly accepted that I could probably talk to Vriska or even Terezi and Kanaya. I had no interest in that though, not eager to share my thoughts. I doubted I would get information out of them and give none in return. As my thoughts grew to be more gathered and I woke up more I leaped out of the bed, the room looking surprisingly cleaner. I didn't dwell on this though, and focused on running out the door. I didn't know what I was doing but I was going to do my best to make sure no one saw me do it. I just wanted to be alone.

It's odd when you don't want to see people, that's all they want to do. But so far I had evaded the attention of Kanaya and Sollux who were both looking for me. It was probably just for some more health stuff but I didn't want to deal with that. I didn't want to see Kanaya because it was still awkward from the last time we talked, I didn't really know Terezi, Vriska seemed nice enough but no thanks. Sollux was an asshole. And Karkat, well... He had seen me doing God knows what.

Because I really don't know what I was doing. Sure it had felt nice enough and if I wanted to go off the tingles in my stomach as an indicator., it still felt good now. But that was to be expected right? It doesn't matter who it's with right? It was just kissing. I wanted to continue it but it just added a whole additional layer to my relationship with Gamzee.

Which was what exactly? What do sloppy make outs and murder add up to exactly? I doubt I had the answer to that. Or him. Maybe though, he often surprised me.

So I skulked off like a cat, doing my best to avoid everyone. I ascended up stairs, going higher and higher. I hadn't been up here in years, not since Equius and I had last been together. No one would ever look for me up here, it was too out of character. But right now the only company I wanted was of Equius'. This place made my hair stand on end. My body was crying out, telling me to leave, go back downstairs. Anything but up there, his presence was entirely too strong. I knew though that I had to go, so the spiral staircase did little to slow me down. It grew more and more ominous the higher up I went, rarely anyone had been up here.

When I was finally at the top, I stood up there for awhile staring at the closed door. I could just picture Equius' body right in front of me, laying breathless. My heart didn't feel anger, just deep and cutting sadness. The first steps toward the door were the hardest. I had to be here though, something was pulling me a favor. So I pushed back what I thought was sane and opened the door to the room I hadn't been in since the massacre. There was no going back now.

It looked the same as it used to, minus Karkat sitting in the center of the room. We both jumped backwards startled to see each other. Apologizing at once, both of us were talking a mile a minute. After we remained silent for a moment waiting for the other to speak. I opened my mouth, "Sorry to scare you. I won't bother you if you don't bother me?" I didn't mean to sound harsh but it ended up seeming that way. He backed up closing his mouth and looked a little hurt.

"Deal."

I wanted to apologize but I also came up here to escape him and live out the embarrassment privately. Him being in my private space ruined that. He doesn't even know what happened here though. Maybe I would tell him. Gamzee be damned. Maybe I could escape with Karkat and his posse. As I thought this over in my head, the more I liked the sound of it. Any further thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Karkat talking. "I've been so unsure about why I've been here. I don't know why the Signless picked me or you. I don't think I am going to fulfill what he wanted."

It was a rare moment of self doubt on Karkat's part which made it all the more endearing.

He continued by saying "The Signless died from the hands of royalty. They strung him up by his arms slowly killing him with blows that were anything but immediately fatal. He bled to death, could you fucking imagine something so horrible?"

I could imagine much worse. I listened though, entranced by what he was saying.

"So here I am, potentially where he died. And I don't have a fucking clue what I am doing. Do you?" He looked at me with such an earnest expression, I knew this was where I told him what happened.

"The Makara's aren't the real rulers of this kingdom," I began, it all came out in a rush sounding like word vomit. I was finally going to tell the whole thing. "Maybe six years ago the Zahhak's were, and they felt like my family. But that didn't last forever, once Gamzee's clan came. They killed everyone in the castle. Equius, my best friend and who would be the ruler one day, and I hid up here. Gamzee found us and killed him but left me as his play thing." I told Karkat stonily but inside I was filled with insecurities. What if he didn't believe me? What if he did? What was I going to do? What was Gamzee going to do?

His face was stunned though. "What? That seems so impossible. No way. Besides... weren't you two... uh, kissing yesterday?"

I blushed, "That's really not the point here, Karkat!" I was crawling towards him now, growing frantic. "I need to get out of here! That's what the Signless wanted, he wanted you to save me!"

Karkat shook his head and shook my arms off him. "No wait, it's too out there. Didn't Gamzee say you were crazy anyway? How can I believe you?" And I knew he was doubting me and that I had made a huge mistake. I crawled after him as he stood up and backed away from me. I was crying now desperately.

"That's what he wants you to think! He's the crazy one!" I was a heap now, crying. I was so tired of crying but I didn't know what to do. After this, I knew I wouldn't cry anymore. I couldn't, I had no more tears left.

"I'm sorry... I really am. I just. I can't." He said this as he backed out the door and ran away.

I don't know how long I stayed up in the attic after he had left for. Somewhere along the line I had stopped crying, the tears drying on my face. Regret seeping through every part of my body I hated my existence. Gamzee would be up here soon because Karkat is going to tell him and then I will never get out. I accepted this as my fate now, knowing I could never leave. I was exhausted of trying.

Hours must have passed, my bones were aching from my uncomfortable position. The only thing I could think about though was Equius and I playing when we were younger, or him teaching me to stick up for myself, or me calming him down. I knew I was only twelve but I would miss him forever. And maybe that's what I should focus on? The love we had, not his death but what we had. Gamzee had stolen it away from me prematurely but at least I experienced it. As if showing right on time, I heard the sounds of foot steps coming up the steps.

I knew it was Gamzee before he showed his face. His fresh wound on his face still looked fresh and I knew this one must have hurt him but he just assessed me laying there staring up at him apathetically. He bent down and picked me up, carrying me bridal style. He had strong arms, I noticed. I knew I must have noticed somewhere along the road at some other point. Gamzee had almost pulled me back up through the window and grabbed me out from under the bed. But during my almost catatonic state, I couldn't find it in me to care. I also didn't care about how gently he was holding me as to not disrupt me. I looked at his face and he looked down at me, his face was impossible to read.

After a long walk we finally reach his room again. He opened the door and set me down upon the bed like all the other times before. As he got on the other side he put his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. He was giving me comfort when he knew I needed it, though undoubtedly he knew I told Karkat.

"You know what I did." I stated, still not looking at him, but not altogether hating the positive affection.

"I do." He agreed.

This made no sense to me. I liked things to be kept simple, I liked things I could understand. This was entirely too complicated for me, Gamzee was almost a different species altogether. He was the master of being confusing, horrifying, and just everything. He had made me feel everything and I was confused about. I was so fucking tired of being confused.

I rolled over to look at him, both of us curved in the bed to look at each other. "It's like you don't know whether to love me or hate me."

Gamzee was silent as he looked at me. It was a very intense gaze, I thought I knew the answer I just wasn't sure. I was looking at a very broken character who probably had no clue how to go about giving emotions the right way. Maybe it wasn't his fault but it was his life and you have to deal with the circumstances you're given. I knew he loved me, but I knew I didn't love him.

Above everything that had happened, I hated him, I pitied him. I felt lots of things. I didn't think I felt love. How could I though? How could I love a monster? There was something though. We had something.

Gamzee knew how I felt and he knew I knew how he felt. I thought I would feel victorious, beating him like this. But it didn't feel like victory. It felt like I was in a stalemate with a very broken man. Which he was, wasn't he? He was a man, a man who loved me. It was so surprising, but then again not at all.

"They're gone you know." Gamzee told me this, referencing Karkat and the rest. "I don't think they're going to be coming back. You must have scared Karkat bad." I didn't doubt that at all. I had given him the shock of his life, it's not so unnatural that it turned out like this. There were a few ways this could have gone, but I think I knew from the very beginning he wouldn't believe me. Maybe that's why I told him. What if some sort of me did want to stay here with Gamzee forever? I doubted this was the case but didn't rule it out.

"Yeah, I guess so." I figured they would be gone. Karkat assumed I was lying and he was fleeing from his duties. I doubted he would come back. The Signless didn't make a mistake though, on him. Just on me. I wasn't supposed to be saved. Maybe Karkat knew that. I didn't blame him, though I did miss him. I would miss everybody.

Gamzee closed his eyes, as if thinking over all of the events that had transpired between us. "I'm sorry." He sounded as if he meant it and I knew I believed him. Maybe I was too forgiving or maybe I was just as broken as him.

"I know." I said.

"I love you." His eyes didn't open, but I knew he was being as sincere as he could be.

"I know that too." I replied, closing my eyes too.

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**This story is coming to a close probably soon with maybe a sequel I haven't decided between the endings for the story yet! If there is interest in that, I will probably write one though. Thanks again for all the reviews, you guys are what make this fun. I've never updated a story so frequently before. :o)**


	9. Chapter 9

For a few months life was different, but some aspects remained the same and they probably always would. After Karkat and his followers had left the rest of the Makara's came back. None of them truly accept or trusted Gamzee as their leader but grudgingly they did what he wanted with a little bit of threatening. I think it was only because when he wanted to be Gamzee could be just as scary, if not scarier, than his father was. This was probably how it was for all new rulers, though. He tried not to be so mean to me though, if only because he confessed to me his feelings. He even tried to show me his bad side less. I did believe Gamzee loved me, at least as much as he could love. He was very broken though, and he would never feel like a normal person.

We were a very unmatched couple, the two of us switching back and forth between loving to hating each other. Well I mostly switched back from hatred to apathy and then finally back to pity, though I must admit my heart was not in it. My heart wasn't in a lot of things now. Since Karkat had left I haven't had much motivation to do anything. Not so much because of him personally leaving, but more of what it represented. I did miss him though, I missed him a lot. Or at least I did when I bothered to feel.

On the days where the only thing I could do was feel, it was horrible. I would cry for hours, spending all day in the bed that Gamzee and I now shared. He often left me alone on these days, knowing that he was to blame for most of these events. Or maybe he just wanted me to suffer alone. He was a hard character to read especially on matters regarding Karkat.

Gamzee knew of my feelings for Karkat and some days they threw him into an uncontrollable rage. He was like he used to be, though now taking the care to lock himself in a room to vent his feelings. He entrusted me to lock him in the room and only let him out when I felt it to be a good time, no matter how much he begged or pleaded. Some days it lasted all day and I could hear the shouts and screams of his anger from the top of the castle where I now spent a lot of my time. Some days it lasted even longer. His room would always be destroyed and torn apart after and he would never let me clean it up. It always somehow got cleaned up though, a mystery to me how though. Not that I really cared honestly.

From all the way up at the top of the castle where Equius had taken his last breaths, life sometimes seemed okay enough. I had somewhat come to peaceful terms with his death, since I had months with nothing really to fear. It was true that the two of us had a bond I would likely never experience again, but that doesn't mean I should focus on the bad. I should carry on in a way he would like and not disgrace his memory by not being able to carry on. It was a noble idea, one that I couldn't follow with complete accuracy but I tried.

Most of my time was spent here solely because it was easy to clear my mind. I had brought up a few blankets and a little mattress previously so when I wanted to I could nap or just lounge generally by myself. I came up here when I wanted my alone time and sometimes Gamzee respected that. Today wouldn't be one of those days though, as I heard his footsteps coming up the stairs. I wonder if it made him feel weird coming up here. I wondered lots of things about him.

I wonder how he can stand to look at me knowing what he's done. I wonder how he can love me. I wonder how he can hate me. I wonder how he is so broken. I wonder what is wrong with him a lot too.

My thoughts of him are interrupted as the door is lightly nudged open. He seems calm now, and I appreciate that. I scoot over on the mattress to make room for him and he gladly fills the space. Gamzee cuddles up close to me and wraps his long arms around my body. He was feeling exceptionally affectionate, I thought, as he gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek. It didn't exactly warm my heart but it did make me feel a little better.

"Nepeta?"

"Yes?"

"I really fucking love you." He snuggled deeper against me. I pried my arm out from under his neck, getting it in a more comfortable position, irritable he was using my arm as a pillow. I ran my arm up and down his arm in support. He leaned up now, on his side propping himself up on his elbow. "Do you love me?"

I stopped rubbing his arm and was silent. He did this sometimes and if I didn't say anything eventually he grew tired.

"Answer me."

I remained just as silent as before.

He looked at me, a scowl on his face. I noticed now that his mood was changing right in front of me. "Gamzee, why don't we go downstairs?" I was hoping I could lure him into the room he locks himself in. Maybe he just needs a hint and is sane enough to take over.

"No." He grabbed my face and roughly kissed me as I grunted in displeasure. "I'll make you forget about Karkat," he promised in a seductive voice as he kissed my neck, slowly heading down. While we had gone pretty far, we had never gone all the way. He was very strict about it, saying that he didn't want to steal my innocence until we were officially together. I thought it was strange if only because he had literally taken every other part of my innocence. I wasn't focused this time, his touch felt like it was coming from a feather, I could barely pay attention. Though he was touching me in a pleasant way, my thoughts were preoccupied.

What if it was someone else doing this to me?

A familiar foul mouthed teenager came into my head and stuck there. Gamzee seemed to notice, almost immediately. He looked at me, his face unreadable. "Don't I make you feel good?" I nodded my head. "Don't I give you everything I have? Don't I love you?" I again nodded to these things, he did do them.

"So why are you thinking of him?" The question was simple enough but the answer was not. I gave no answer and he grunted out something that sounded like 'what a fucking surprise. "You don't love me, you love him."

I still remained silent as I looked at him, growing more worried as time went on. It was obvious who the him was in his accusation, but I wasn't sure if he was right. Did I? I certainly didn't know him well enough but it felt like it was in my DNA. Not that I would admit that to Gamzee when everything was finally getting to be alright. "No I don't."

"Then prove it." Once again, very simple. At least in theory. Nothing was ever simple with Gamzee though, not ever.

"I can't prove it Gamzee! I'm still here though, right? That should show enough." I was pleading with him now, sitting up and staring at him with big eyes. "I don't love him, I swear."

Gamzee seemed mollified by this. He laid back down and knowing it was in my best interest to cuddle up to, I did. The space where his arm met his torso was the best place to cuddle up to and we rested there together. Both of us napped for awhile, Gamzee wrapping a protective arm around me once again and trying to pull me on top of him to sleep. I wasn't crazy about that but I didn't put up much of a fight. The most important part of this was Gamzee being happy. It was much safer for me that way.

Eventually he grew dissatisfied with just cuddling and snuggling and we began kissing again. It was not as hateful as when he bit my lip, but it was not gentle either. It was very passionate, he poured all his feelings into the kiss. I was influenced by this and did the same. I knew we were going far tonight and we did, our fingers slipping into each others hair and wrapping in out thick hair, and our tongue exploring other areas.

He never made me do anything, it was all of my own decisions.

It was one of the better ways for us to forget the thoughts that were in our head and focus on feeling good in general. That was nice and plus it helped since Gamzee had confessed that he loved me and that he happened to be handsome himself. His hair was growing out more, and it seemed to grow outwards instead of longer. Truth be told, his hair was crazy but it fit him. It was my favorite to pull or to mess with and though he liked to act like he didn't care for it, I know it made him happy when I played with it.

We interrupted our kissing for a moment, our shirts littering the floor, to have him ask me, "Do you love me?" I tried to diffuse the moment by kissing him but it only lasted for so long before he broke it off again gazing at me. I knew I needed to give him an answer so I just nodded. By his displeased look I knew this wouldn't work. "Say it."

"I love you, Gamzee." And he gave me the biggest smile on the planet and I couldn't tell if I was thrilled or the biggest liar on the planet. That was the night we went all the way, he finally through his inhibitions to the wind and I had no real feelings either way.

He held me again after, affectionately giving me kisses on the head. I really doubted it was his first time, but the way he kept beaming at me made me feel as if there was something to it that made it special. And then I started to feel that way too. It did seem pretty special.

"Tell me again, kitten." Gamzee asked of me, as he played with my curled hair as we lay there.

"I love you Gamzee." I could practically feel his grin on his face as he gave me a big kiss on the forehead and a hug.

He was silent for awhile longer before he said, "We should do something special."

"...Didn't we just?" I asked of him confused. Was I wrong in thinking it was?

He shook his head as if to say that's not what he meant. "No, no, no. I mean something others can see, of course that was special, kitty." He gasped in happiness before saying, "I know what we should do!"

"What?" I asked hesitantly.

"We should get married." And then he beamed at me again, and I knew I was going to say no way. He could see the look of doubt on my face and predicted I was going to say no. "Don't you love me, Nepeta? You told me you did. Twice even. So were you just lying to me?" Though we had 'plans' to get married before that was a bigger issue when Karkat was here. Since he wasn't before, I belive Gamzee simply forgot about it. He was a very jealous creature when it came to people. He couldn't possibly share me.

Maybe, I thought to what Gamzee said last. But that's not the point. I knew that wouldn't go over well and I also knew I wouldn't get out of this. I could bide my time though. I sighed. "Gamzee if you're going to propose, you have to do it the right way. Get me a ring."

He chucked and nodded his head. "I like your style."

"So get me a ring I like, and I will marry you." I decided I would just shoot down all his suggestions until he grew tired of me. I had hopes it would work, realistically though I knew it had no chance. "And I am very picky!"

"I think you will like what I picked out." So he already had one picked out? Hmm. When was he going to do it? I asked him as much before he chuckled again saying "I can't let you know everything, can I? It will spoil the surprise."

I really hated surprises.

Gamzee then promptly fell asleep from all the excitement as I lay there thinking everything over. He was so excited, I felt bad breaking his heart. I really didn't want to marry him. He basically owned me, did he have to have it written in paper too?

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**Thanks for the reviews again, I love you all so much! I am still indecisive about the end of the story so I will just stretch it out for as long as I can. I feel like it will be long and I was wrong before but who knows. In more exciting news, someone voice acted the first 3 chapters of my fic! Just go to sound cloud and click Mochikita's page, she did an amazing job. :o) I have the best readers/reviewers/fav's ever I don't even care. I love you guys!**


	10. Chapter 10

The next few days I was on high alert for all things that looked like they could be a ring. I half didn't believe him, half wanted to know all the details about the ring. Gamzee knew I was interested to, basing it off how many times he has gotten down on one knee in front of me. A guy can only pretend to be tying his shoe so many times before I finally get the joke. He would always grin after though, in a way that almost made me feel bad for getting mad. Almost.

It was a full week before he did it for real, and he didn't even get down on his knees to do. We were just laying on the bed and he plucked up my left hand and delicately slipped the ring on. It was beautiful and I had the sinking suspicion he had stolen the ring from someone dead. Neither of us said anything for awhile after but I think I am guessing right when I say I am engaged.

It has been a month since then and not really a lot has changed. He has his good days and his bad days, ring on my finger or not. I knew it wouldn't really change anything but I was still kind of hoping he would at least change for me. I had to of known that he wouldn't though, when he couldn't even decide if he loved me or hated me. I suppose the correct assumption was that he loved and hated me.

Which seemed to fit the ring he gave me very well, it was a big chunk of diamond with alternating red and black ones encircling it. It was beautiful but it also filled me with dread, not knowing the past behind it.

It was interesting, the less I cared, the more Gamzee did. He was making an effort now to be sweet to me. He opened doors for me, he kissed me good night, he gave me massages, and bought me sweet gifts. He always told me how much he loved me and asked for very little in return. I guess that's why when Gamzee said we were getting married tomorrow I went along with it. I surely didn't owe him anything, but if I was going to stay here then it was best not to disturb him in any way at all. I asked him if I should prepare anything for tomorrow and he said he would take care of all of it and not to worry. I was especially worried now.

Which explains my current position right now. I was on the slanted roof of the very top of the castle, specifically, mine and Equius' spot. It was scary being up so high but I figured the worst thing that could happen is that I could fall.

I had a lot of anxiety about today, I thought, as I watched the clouds move and the sun shine brightly. Despite the good omen the sun projected, the rest of the earth did not reflect this. It was now close to winter and the frost bit in the cold air. The surrounding trees were dead, minus the evergreen forest that was nearby. I brought my knees up closer to me, cuddling my purple night gown closer to me.

It was scary to think that in a few hours I would be married. It was scary to think a lot of things. Would this make me the queen though? I didn't like to think of things in terms like that. Gamzee... as a king? It didn't sit right with me, though he must be. I never questioned what he did when he wasn't with me, though admittedly it was probably some royal stuff. I hated that.

Thinking of Gamzee being royal made me want to vomit. He had no right taking that throne, it wasn't his. Calm down, Calm down. Expressing myself and feeling was a horrible thing for me. Apathy was the only way not to go insane, but sometimes that wasn't true either. I should get an award for being confused. I groaned and slammed my back down on the roof, feeling dramatic.

I was an idiot, I thought as I felt myself sliding. I scrambled to find my footing but it was not destined to happen, my feet almost gripping and then sliding off at the last moment. It was a fast descent but then because of some miracle, I managed to hold on to the edge of the roof, dangling over the edge. My feet were not able to get a grip on anything and I knew if I were to drop this time there would be no surviving it. I started screaming, shrieking, and howling for someone, anyone to save me. I heard a worried shout that I couldn't make out and thumping. I gave one last pitiful shout of "Gamzee!" before I could see his head sticking out of the window. The terror in his eyes reflected in his expression, he looked horrified.

The problem was that even though he was right at the window, I had rolled some when I had fallen and I was not close enough so that I could reach out to touch it. Gamzee gave a few pitiful reaches out, he could grab me but it was up in the air if he could pull me to the window as I dropped to be caught. I was not eager to put myself in that position where my life depended on Gamzee. He was not the most trustworthy people I had known.

He seemed to recognize my trust issues, looking at me in distress. "Nepeta, you have to trust me."

I grunted as I dangled, my fingers in agony. He looked at me again, and simply said, "Please." I didn't know if it was me trusting him or my fingers giving up but I dropped. That second was terrifying and horrible but I was scooped out of the air by Gamzee who by sheer effort seemed not to fall out of the tower, though it was a close call. It had pulled his knee up. One false move and we were both tumbling down. I didn't think of that though.

I just thought of the expression on Gamzee's face. It was pure, uncensored relief. He kept gripping me as he fell to the floor, enveloping me in a hug. "I thought I was going to fucking lose you," he whispered. I remained silent, stunned. I felt liquid dropping on my head. It was odd to recognize it as crying. Gamzee was crying? I looked up at him from his shoulder and he was rubbing at his face with his other hand, but his mouth was tensed and pursed and I knew it was true. I helped him wipe his tears up though I was shaking myself and helped him stand up.

In that moment I felt like marrying Gamzee would probably be okay. And that explains where I am now, staring at myself in my dress. It was a mermaid style dress, staying close to my body, and it had a halter made of lace. It was the most beautiful dress I had ever seen. I liked to twirl around in it, the fabric that pooled at the bottom twirled with me. My make up was simple but all the same I felt beautiful.

It was just going to be the two of us present and someone giving the ceremony so three altogether. It was very private and that's what I wanted. A knock interrupted my thoughts and I opened the door. Standing in front of me was Gamzee, wearing a suit.

He looked so, so handsome. And dangerous. His hair was just as crazy as always, though it did seem a little smoother as if he attempted to brush it then gave up on it. I wanted to laugh but I was afraid I would throw up. He told me how beautiful I looked, then bent down and kissed my hand. He picked himself up, gave me a twirl and then we left to get married.

We got married in Gamzee's private office which wasn't very romantic but I didn't mind. The man who married us was a balding, fat man with a beard but I didn't mind that either. The only thing I could stare at was Gamzee. Was this what I wanted? Did I want to marry Gamzee? Yes. The answer surprised me, I was shocked even. I jolted back a little bit, alerting Gamzee. He looked at me, but I just smiled warmly at him.

Not even his scars, physical or mental, could bother me right now. As it came time to say our vows, I repeated mine while stumbling and stuttering. Gamzee said his plainly and clearly as if not a care in the world. I was focused on the odd thumping noise I heard outside the room. And finally it came to the part where we had to kiss.

As we leaned in to each other and our lips finally touched, the lights all turned off at once and the sound of a door being pushed open was in my ears. I jerked back in fear, trying to get closer to Gamzee. I heard whispering before ultimately I felt a feminine hand grab me. I stumbled, before the hand and another pair of arms grabbed me. They pulled me to the ground and I screamed. I heard Gamzee shout, "Nepeta?" and I heard him run around the room trying to find me as the intruders dragged me around. They slammed a hand over my mouth and duct tape too, ensuring I couldn't talk anymore. It was definitely two people carrying me, and as quiet as a bunch of mice they picked me up and carried me out of the room, opening a door and running out.

Gamzee thundered after him, tripping over things I could hear, as he ran after them, but as soon as he almost made it out, another figure affixed a metal pole between the door handles. The door rattled and almost caved as he shook it, I knew it wouldn't be long until he got out. He was screaming my name the whole time, half in anger, half in agony. I still couldn't see the faces of my captors but they were both females, I could tell by their anatomy. They were running awkwardly with two of them splitting my weight and a third one in the front leading them.

It was mind numbingly horrifying. The only thing I could think in my head over and over again was I am going to die, I am going to die.

Finally they reached the entrance of the castle and they ran out. They made a line right for the junky car sitting in front of the castle. There was a driver sitting in the front, their face hidden from my view. They all piled into the back seat, with one eventually jumping into the front seat.

The driver took off, his face still obscured.

My heart froze the moment I heard a familiar laugh though, more like a cackle really. The girl next to me whipped off her mask. Vriska. "That was awesome! Can we do stuff like that more often!?"

The driver threw back an annoyed glance, "No you fucking idiot! We could have died!" My mind was blank again. Karkat? Why were they here? Why did they take me?

"Oh cheer up, Karkles! We did it!" Terezi grinned in general, she was the one who was in the front seat. My brain swirled around with so many questions, but the most important one of all was why was a blind girl leading the way?

"...What?" I asked, simply. My brain was feeling like it was moving an inch a minute, it was irritating to say the least. Kanaya was sitting next to me and gave me a sympathy pet on the shoulder delicately. The landscape blew by in a hurry and I realized I had never been in a car before. Though we lived in a time where technology like this existed the castle rarely saw it. Electricity and candles powered it but the Makara's were not the type to care about stuff like Internet. It was kind of scary to be honest.

Karkat didn't look back at me as began to speak, "I'd like to apologize Nepeta, I didn't believe you. I'm a fucking idiot and you can hate me as much as you want. I felt awful though leaving you and I thought a fucking shit ton about it. Finally I gathered up the gang, minus Sollux who is doing some stuff at the base, and we saved you. Good thing too, right before you married that scum bag."

I thought back. No, I was married. The ceremony had been completed and we had signed our marriage certificate but I didn't say anything.

"What I mean to say is that I am really fucking sorry."

"I accept your apology." If only because I am a little too stunned to do anything else. "So... where are we going?"

"The sea!" Vriska and Terezi screeched in joyful harmony.

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**Surprised?! I loved these guys too much to have them gone forever. :o) Plus, I couldn't imagine Karkat really just leaving her for good. Poor Gamzee, though! Just as Nepeta was coming around, too, hah. Thanks for all of the reviews, you guys are awesome. Hope you guys are having some great Thanksgiving celebrations if you're in the USA! And if you're in other countries, well I hope you just have a lovely day heh!**


	11. Chapter 11

On the long journey to the sea, I learned a little more about what exactly the thought process had entailed causing this adventure to save me. Surprisingly little was the answer, in case this would somehow come as a surprise. It didn't.

As soon as Karkat rushed out of the castle with his followers, he did not hesitate to tell them how crazy he had thought I was. This was mentioned quite a few times, I was a little bitter. It felt a little insensitive and I know my feelings were written on my face as I flinched at this part. But they continued with no regard for my feelings. The group had traveled for a few days trying to get back to their base, a different one, lurking around here and there before deciding to head back. As soon as they were back though, Karkat had a change of heart due to begging on the girls part to take me back.

I was thankful but I was also heartbroken. But I was here so there wasn't much I could do about it. I shouldn't be having such mixed feelings about Gamzee. Did I really love him? Their plan was to create a distraction to the back of the castle that all the milling about Makara's had wandered to, something of Vriska's she was very proud of apparently. I would have to remember to get more details at some point. The problem I would assume would be finding us, but apparently Terezi had that solved which was especially mystifying. Though she may be blind with no chance of seeing again, she was happier that way. Her nose though, was almost like that of a dog, it was inhuman how she could pick out a smell and follow it with quite a bit of speed too.

Apparently all the girls here had special skills, Kanaya could heal anything given enough time, Terezi's famous nose, and Vriska's super human eyesight to match. It was enough to make someone feel very inadequate next to all of them. I felt like a princess in the fairy tales, always getting herself in trouble and never saving herself.

They were aware of the risk that Gamzee would come looking for me and they didn't seem to care. I had never seen so many brave, lovely, idiotic people in my life. I wanted to kiss them all and then maybe cry.

I missed Gamzee. That's all I could focus on the three hour trip, how much I missed him. I wanted to blame it all on Stockholm Syndrome, but I knew I was just being dysfunctional. I loved Gamzee, despite what he had done. This halfway killed me, knowing how I feel about him and what he had done. What a mess up I was. Everyone was respectful of my silence, and I could focus on the beautiful scenery. We were driving on an elevated plane and it was glorious just being able to see the great body of water. I had never been in the ocean or anywhere near it.

But the only thought that kept rubbing itself back into my head was Gamzee not being here. It was everything I wanted and the worst thing simultaneously. I was probably the worst kind of person. As I pondered on me being a horrible person, I somehow ended up falling asleep right in the car. I must have looked so odd, a light trail of drool dripping out of my open mouth, my head completely leaning on Terezi who had the good graces not to say anything.

I dreamed of him and I, the two of us ruling together happily. There were two thrones we sat at together and we shared purple luminescent eyes. The thrones were gold and bright but everything else was dark and fading, our eyes and the throne sticking out prominently in my vision. Suddenly my face seemed almost caved in with odd bumps and bruises and green blood dripping out of me. Gamzee's scars oozed a royal purple and what looked like holes began forming in his chest, dark rings of vibrant purple staining his shirt and blood dripped out of his mouth as he gave a dazed smile and I slumped, dead.

I woke up, startled and with tears in my eyes. Terezi rubbed my shoulder as I jerked up saying, "You'll be okay now."

I shivered, suddenly feeling cold in my wedding dress. Vriska shrugged off her jacket and threw it on my lap as she turned back to the sea that was right at her window. "We're almost there."

And in a half an hour, after the longest car ride in my life or specifically the only car ride in my life, we were there. As the car pulled to the stop in front of a tiny shack, I could only wonder 'here?'. It was tiny, if only being the size of one room, there was simply no way six people could live here happily. I looked around, confused. I heard Vriska chuckle as she swung a bag on her shoulder and walked to the front door.

If the word plain could be put into house form, this house would be it. It was tiny, it was made of sick, dingy white looking wood that had worn out it's bright red paint job a long time ago. Karkat, Terezi, Kanaya and I followed after Vriska after she kicked the door open, Karkat screaming at her to watch her fucking manners, there were ladies present.

I couldn't find it in me to chuckle, luckily everyone attributed that to damage Gamzee had done. Which was true enough, I decided. It was an easy cop out and he really was to blame. As I crossed the threshold, I saw the boring set up continued to the inside. The black and white tiled floor was dirty and dingy, the furniture was threadbare and then Vriska bent down and pulled the the rug opening up a secret entrance. I was no stranger to secret rooms, but holy shit; I had not been expecting that. But what kind of secret entrance would it have been if I had noticed? It descended into the floor and we all followed after her, the stairs were narrow and I had to bend as to not my hit head on the ceiling and I was not tall by any means.

It seemed as if we went down there for quite a while, turning along the way. Finally though, we reached the end and I was grateful as I got off the last step and could stand up properly. Down here it was like a cave, almost. But still with a definite home touch to it. I had never seen anything like it. Everything down here was like a normal house I imagined.

I explored a little bit, the house was filled with stones and a lot of the furniture was composed of it, minus the chairs, couches, and beds and such. It must have taken a long time to carve everything. I was in awe, it was beautiful down here.

Everyone was getting centered in what appeared to be the dining room and I drifted over there, pulling a chair up to the intimidating stone table. They all looked at me in an awkward way and just like that I felt awkward too.

Karkat cleared his throat as to draw attention to himself and said, "There's another reason you're important Nepeta."

"What?" My mind was swirling, everything in my life was so complicated.

Karkat was silent for a moment before speaking. "When I told you about the Signless I didn't mention the whole thing. He said to get to the power I once had, I needed to have a very specific batch of followers..." He was stalling I knew. "What I am trying to say and fucking failing at is that I need you. I need you to help me, but it is a lot to ask."

This was almost infuriating. "What do you mean, you need me as a follower? You already have plenty? I just want to get away from all this business and lead a normal, boring life."

"It will be for the best, Nepeta, I promise." Karkat said, looking at me as if he didn't think I would freak out like I was now.

I was not okay with that though. "You only saved me because you needed me. You were being just as selfish as Gamzee, you don't care about me! None of you do!" The rest of the table looked at me in a mixture of embarrassment, indignation, sadness, and others I couldn't read. I slapped my fists on the table completely ignoring the pain I felt from it. "Finally I get the only freedom I have only ever had in my life and you just want to steal it away."

I was being dramatic and ridiculous, I knew. It's hard having your freedom taken advantage of at every turn. It's hard and no one understands. As I stood up to walk away I looked at Karkat singling him out saying, "You will never live up to the Signless, you completely abandoned someone you knew needed help only to save me for your own advantage. You're manipulative and you don't care about anyone but yourself."

After I said it I knew I was wrong by the hurt look on Karkat's face but I had too much pride to turn around and say sorry so I stomped away, trying to find a place to go and lick my wounds, metaphorically speaking. I really didn't know where I was going though, and no one tried to stop me. Mostly I just wandered around the dark cave like house before I finally found a place I felt alone in, which is all I wanted.

It was more cave like then the other rooms and it was lit exclusively by torches which gave it a very eery feeling. I was quite fond of it though. My favorite part aside from the rugged look of the room, was the vast amount of paintings on the wall. Some were huge, taking up as much space as I would, some were tiny little pieces. It was beautiful and almost had an ancient look about it, they appeared to be hand painted with sometimes a brush, sometimes just a hand.

They were drawings of people, some Karkat, some the Signless? I couldn't be sure. They had strange symbols on them. Spades, hearts, diamonds, and clubs? Truly bizarre. I was enchanted. I stayed in that room for a few hours, just inspecting everything. I wanted to absorb the whole room with how much power it had in it. I didn't understand any of it, but I loved it.

My favorite piece was a very large one, maybe the largest, which depicted a woman with no face who had a long mane of hair, it was wild and free, she looked unafraid, with only a green smile on her face. She was standing proudly next to a taller figure wearing a hood. He had on a smile too, this one painted a bright cherry red, and they both held hands. A heart was drawn above the both of them. I couldn't see details but I could see that whoever made this was definitely enamored by this pairing, it made me interested too.

If only because it made me feel like it was just Karkat and I. Which was weird and kind of hurt but also made my heart flutter? I thought about Gamzee and I thought about Karkat. Gamzee loved me, Karkat didn't even like me. Nevermind how I would probably never see Gamzee again. But I figured this couldn't be true, he couldn't survive without me. Right? At the very least, we were certainly married, there was no denying that. I had made my ring a necklace with a spare bit of chain I had laying around having it safely hidden from the rest of the followers.

I knew I needed to think about what to say to them or whether I would even do it or not. It was so hard to make decisions that effected more than just me. It was hard and no one understands. Especially when the alleged good guys have no interest in you as a person and only as something to further their own agenda.

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**Bad news, I don't think I can keep up the update schedule I have had up till now. I work in a dinner theater and am working a lot more because of Christmas shows. I will still update at least once every two days. I love everyone who reviews, favorites, follows. Whatever, you guys are awesome! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. :o)**


	12. Chapter 12

I fell asleep in that room, the rock not making a very comfortable place to be but I suffered through. Oh, the sacrifices one makes to keep a dramatic exit. The truth is though, after my announcement of bitter feelings, the only thing I felt bad about was just leaving. Maybe that was because for a long time I was cuddled up on cold, hard stone shivering to keep warm. It probably had nothing to do with my personal morals and more to do with how cold it was.

Speaking of morals, where were they? I definitely spent some time on the ground hating my life and personal choices. Mostly hating Gamzee. My hatred was torn, I wanted to chop his head off and then kiss him. Well maybe in different order, that sounds unappealing. I unintentionally cringed. And soon after mentally destroying any further thoughts on my husband... Wow. No. I am not calling Gamzee my husband again. Fuck. I grit my teeth, angry that my precious sleep was being disrupted by thoughts of this.

Did that make me the Queen? I couldn't stop that thought from bubbling up into my brain, but as soon as it did, other questions came with it. And that is how I fell asleep, trying to block out that train of thought.

I felt someone pick me up in the night, more specifically it felt like a warm embrace that I welcomed eagerly but then I was thrust upon the bed. For some reason that particular action just ceased me with terror and in half-asleep delirium, I looked around in desperation my eyes not really seeing. I heard someone trying to back away and for that moment I was reminded of being in the castle once more and it caused me to cease up into tears, some of the horror of my previous life coming back to haunt me.

I saw the shadowy outline of a figure and my heart lurched. I didn't know who it was but I didn't really want to be alone, so I pulled them back into bed with me. Instantly I heard the breath knocked out of them and for a moment I heard grumbling but the warm body reluctantly remained, letting me cuddle up to them in the cold air. We stayed like that until I drifted off into a nice warm slumber.

Eventually I woke up quite a few hours later, though not for lack of trying. I wanted to sleep forever. Or at least for a few months. Enough to let everything blow over and to be undisturbed by thoughts of followers, kings and queens, and caves adorned with blood. But though I wanted nothing to do with any of that, that was sadly not the life I lived. Maybe it would be if we lived in a world where good things happened to me. This was neither the time nor the place, though.

So I reluctantly opened my eyes and blinked a few times, adjusting myself. Who's bed is this? I wondered, but not really caring that much. The room was littered with many gray things, it was remarkably unremarkable. There were just as many books as expected, not enough to make someone look well read, but not few enough that they seemed ignorant. There were just enough clothes strewn casually on the floor to indicate that the wearer had a busy life but not cluttered enough to look too messy. It was an artistic madness. I could appreciate it, if only because I recognized how ridiculous it was.

I knew I was wasting time and I stood up, not thrilled about having to see my apparent room mates this morning. Was it morning? When you are underground it is hard to tell. This dress though, was seriously inconvenient to wear though, so I decided I would just steal some from whoever happened to live in this room. I searched around for awhile, only finding more gray bits and pieces. Truly it was a pain. Eventually I stumbled upon a closet that was half obscured. I hastily tore a big shirt, and stripped myself out of my pain in the butt wedding dress, happy to slither out. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants that were discarded on the floor and with a sigh, I left the room.

As soon as I left I was opened up to hallway. A fork was formed in front of me, did I go left or right? I smelled and the smell of bacon, sausage, and pancakes turned me towards the left. It was strange not knowing where I was but I would survive. There were worst feelings.

I turned a corner sharply and in front of me was what appeared to be a relatively small kitchen with two figures in it, shuffling awkwardly around each other. When I happened upon Karkat and Sollux arguing though and they hadn't seen me, I knew I should remain silent.

They were shuffling and Sollux's lisp seemed quite apparent. "Dude, you know thcrewed everything up right? There ith no way the is joining us now."

"Fuck you too, Sollux! If you weren't so good with technology I would have kicked your ass out forever ago!"

Though they were sparring with their words I knew the two of them were both very fond of each other. Maybe in a hateful friend way. It was too early in the morning to be trying to figure out other peoples friendships and other relationships. I was finally lured out when I heard chewing, the thought of food was promising.

I slowly entered the room and Sollux burst out laughing. I blushed red, not even sure what was wrong with what I had just done wrong and then I remembered my clothes and sighed. "It's not like I could wander around in my wedding dress all day."

It didn't relent from Sollux though, as he continued to laugh. "Hey KK, ith this what you were doing at night? Were you two cuddling up a thtorm?" Karkat had been looking at his food intently during my entrance as to ignore my very presence but he gave a quick 'what?' before looking up at me, blushing look back down and shoveling food in his mouth. "C'mon, you can give it out, but you can't take it?"

It was unfortunately very clear that these were certainly Karkat's clothes. He wore simple black pants with a grey shirt and a sweater on top to make up for the cold weather. Look at all that gray. Gray, gray, gray.

"Fuck no!" Karkat shouted animatedly. "She was just scared is all. So I let her stay with me is all! And fine! She borrowed some of my clothes! Not a big fucking deal!" He was still blushing so his words didn't mean much but Sollux left laughing, off to wherever he goes.

Karkat and I sat down together, me with a big heaping plate of food and Karkat sitting with an almost empty plate of food. It was very awkward and tense and neither of us said anything. Eventually Karkat stood up to go, looked back at me and said, "You can ask any of the girls for new clothes, they have much better fitting ones than I do."

Eventually I did find the girls, many hours later after I was done exploring. They were in another room all crowded together against an old and very small television that only showed snow and static. Vriska was beating it violently and Terezi was cackling. Kanaya sat with the most bored look on her face. "That... will definitely not fix the television." I said as I entered the rather small room that housed only a television and a decrepit looking couch that no one in their right mind would want to sit in for fear of a spring going up their backside.

"Stupid cheap shit," Vriska scowled.

Terezi corrected her saying, "Stupid _free_ shit." And then she abruptly smelled the air and looked over in my direction, though I knew it didn't do her any good. She then just got up and quickly left the room, not even saying a word to me. Ouch.

I looked confused at Kanaya and Vriska who looked sheepish before eventually I settled on the ground with them. "What was up with her?" I asked finally, after we got about five minutes into a show that was probably on the television based off how intent they were staring at it but I had yet to see.

"Where to begin..." Vriska said, chuckling. She seemed to take great pride in telling stories of peoples misery. "Terezi and Karkat are _sort of_ an item. I say sort of because neither of them have ever said anything about it, but now they are distant and barely speak. And then you, out of nowhere, show up looking like you just rolled out of bed and wearing his clothes. Mostly to her you have the Karkat stink though, she can smell him on you, I suspect." Vriska shrugged at me, in a 'what can you do?' manner but then chuckled again.

Kanaya eyed her and said, "Vriska would it kill you to be a little more understanding of people's personal lives? Honestly." She rolled her eyes. Any former awkwardness I had with her just evaporated, that was nice. "Would you like me to bring you a fresh change of garments?" Her proper talk always had a way of throwing me off but if she was offering me a new pair of clothes, I didn't care what she spoke like.

"I would love that! I don't know how you will have anything that fits me though..." It was true, I was rather small and skinny, and while Kanaya was very skinny, she was also very, very tall. She was meant to be a model, honestly. Terezi and Vriska, nearly the same size with Vriska coming out just a centimeter on top if only because of her hair, would have fit me better but Terezi was curvy and Vriska was flat as a board so that also led to some clothing difficulties.

"Do not worry about a thing," and she hustled away, walking daintily into the hallway.

Vriska snorted. "You probably just made her day. She loves to play dress up. I would bet eight hundred dollars she is going to put you in a dress and bow and make you look all proper."

I looked up at the girl with such long legs sitting beside me, it was odd that she had such long legs for someone who was relatively short. Makes me think of a spider girl. "Why? Has she done that to you?" Vriska didn't have to answer, she blushed and looked away going back to complaining about the television. And it was nice staying like that, even if we both knew there wasn't a damn thing on the television.

Finally Kanaya came back and true to Vriska's words she had a dress in her hands and a bag of make up. I was a bit wary of the make up, last time someone had painted my face it hadn't worked out so well. But she powered through and didn't take no for an answer. I hastily took my necklace with a ring off and I am thankful it went unseen. If they knew I was married to Gamzee, I feel like things would not be so easy, and they would be a lot more tense. It is weird to think of myself as a married woman and I was satisfied with them not knowing I was.

And I did look pretty cute when I got dressed up, the dress was a lilac color that complimented my green eyes. It was a long sleeve dress and the front had a beautiful symbol of a half moon on it. The skirt of the dress was tiered and if I twirled around in circle, they fluffed up following me. I was delighted. I rarely got to wear things because I simply wanted to and having that choice now felt like such a small freedom. I laughed and smiled and felt really, really pretty. It was nice to occasionally have shallow moments, I would be the first to admit. But this time felt genuine, I suppose. So as I was busy admiring myself in the mirror, I didn't notice something very important in the background. Or at least not right away.

When I looked past myself in the mirror, I watched Vriska look at my ring necklace that was laying innocently where I left it, and then look at me. It was almost as if a light bulb went off in her brain as she made the connection and all blood drained off my face as I saw her pocket the ring, stand up, and begin to call over Kanaya.

Damn spider girl and her freaking super human eye balls.

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**You guys didn't give up on me updating soon, did you? Haha! Thanks a ton for all of the reviews, you make working during holiday madness all the better. I love writing this story too much, even when I stay up way too late writing and have to get up for work in the morning. So I have a question, lovely reviewers and hopefully I will get a lot of answers: **

**KARKAT OR GAMZEE?**


	13. Chapter 13

Normally a recent engagement or marriage will at least guarantee a lot of attention, but it was almost always the positive kind. Which wasn't exactly the kind I had now, or at least I hope not.

We were back to the dining room now, and once again everyone was staring at me, but now it wasn't the kind of awkwardness that was there before. On their faces were mostly shock and some sadness, as I yanked on the necklace with Gamzee's ring on it that I had between my hands. It wasn't immediately apparent that anyone was going to say anything. I couldn't decide if this was more humiliating or nerve wracking.

When I was in the room with Kanaya and Vriska, they both seemed very shocked. With one fierce look at each other, they hurried out the door scooping the necklace up in one swift motion and shooting me looks over their shoulders. I raced after them nearly running into the door frame in the process, trying to explain, or at least come up with any other explanation that made sense. Because the truth was, I willingly married Gamzee and somehow it just seemed wrong to pin that on him too. Though he had done some horrible things, I had gone along with quite a few things

I chased them for awhile but they knew the twists and turns better than I did and I got a little lost a few times. By the time I finally found my way back, I was at least fifteen minutes behind them and Sollux had been debriefed and they sat in the corner quietly discussing me and looking around hastily for Karkat and Terezi. I tried quietly to get their attention, and they barely acknowledged me. I tried to weasel my way into their clique but I was quickly rebuffed without even a second glance. They meant business. I gulped.

By the time Karkat and Terezi showed up together, they both already looked drained. It was clear by their faces they had not been having a pleasant talk. Though I was curious, I did not have time to ponder this, I had more important matters to attend to. I instantly leaped into action, jumping in front of them shouting classic lines such as "it's not what it looks like", it was what it looked like. And the ever popular "I can explain!" I really can't, though.

"Karkat, we have a rather urgent event to discuss, if possible, in private." She gave me a very pointed look and I shook my head, and dug my feet into the ground.

It seemed as if Karkat respected Kanaya's opinion because the next moment, while shooting me an apologetic look I was immediately dragged out of the room despite me doing everything I can to remain in the room, kicking and thrashing about, I still ended up on the other side of a locked door.

I slammed my fists on the relatively thin door, my hand throbbing from the pain, though the door gave a satisfying shudder under the force. I could hear their muffled voices and occasionally Terezi's cackle and raised voices. I was irritated by this as I repeatedly tried the door handle. Finally I decided, screw it, I had to know what they were talking about. I took a few steps back and charged at the door. I slammed into it, the door remained solid. It hurt badly, but I was too impatient. I reared backwards for a second go and as I ran forward, the door quickly opened up though my speed had built so much that I couldn't just slow down.

So I entered the room rather dramatically by falling on my rear end painfully right in front of Karkat. He stared down at me, a slight mixture of what appeared to be disgust and maybe a little horror for good measure. I tried to reclaim what was left of my dignity by standing up but most of the damage was done to my tail bone and pride; it was only by ignoring the agony that I didn't tumble back down.

Everyone was staring at me and I slowly walked over to their seats, wanting to glare at Vriska who had opened the door, as she silently chucked. As I sat down I took a deep breath it caused the awkward silence. No one would say anything, it didn't look like anyone had any intention to.

It seemed as if they were making me be the first. I took in another deep breath and began, "I-..."

I was interrupted by Karkat shouting "What the FUCK, Nepeta?" He looked at me, clearly upset. "How could you marry that sick fuck?" I tried to interrupt him many times but he gave no intention on stopping, the words of his continued to pour out. "He has done so much messed up shit to you, and you fucking marry him? Someone get you a medal, you are the biggest idiot on the earth!" He finished his tirade by dramatically and sarcastically clapping as I sat there, furious and trying my hardest not to cry.

It's not like I can give them a proper explanation for everything I do, especially when I barely understand what I am doing for life. I rarely get to make choices for myself and so I said fuck it, and married him. It's not like it means anything now, I wasn't even there. I wonder what he was... No. Now is not the time to worry about Gamzee. "Fuck you, Karkat! You are the most obtuse and stubborn person I have ever met!" I definitely had some angry tears running down my face but it didn't stop Karkat from letting out a frustrated growl and standing up quickly in his chair, flipping it.

He shouted, "FUCK THIS!" and stormed out. I stormed out shortly after, heading in a separate direction. I had no intentions of seeing Karkat's dumb face and stomped away. I gripped the necklace in my hands tightly, having swiped it off the table when I had managed to make my escape.

I was left alone for an hour or two to sulk privately but it passed by in what almost seemed like minutes. I was angry and pissed and confused confused confused. I should get a trophy, most idiotic and confused girl to ever live. Gamzee or no Gamzee, I am just as depressed without him, I thought wryly. And when Kanaya found me and walked in she saw me perched on a chair in what appeared to be an old living room. It was a rather small room before, with the chair being threadbare and over stuffed and the room being suffocating cramped but there was no absconding from this fight.

She cleared her throat delicately and we exchanged awkward glances. "I am not going to lecture you, you seem miserable enough without it. What I want to say is that you are always welcome here, but I think there is someone you would like to meet. She's waiting upstairs if you would like to say hello." I was apprehensive about meeting anyone and told Kanaya so.

"Look, it's just I really don't want to see anyone right now. No offense but you guys aren't my favorite people and I am sure vice versa."

"That is not the point in what I am saying. This is definitely someone you would like to meet." She seemed so sincere, her eyebrows knitted together in a distressed way that I felt myself give in. And she gave me a green lipstick smile and led me by the hand back to where I had first climbed down the stairs. Only this time I was going up, but I had to admit it felt final. Which was odd, no one had said anything about leaving but I had a feeling.

As Kanaya and I began up the stairs, she explained a little more to me. "She can probably explain your importance to you better than Karkat or the rest of us can, so I will just let her do just that," Kanaya finished as she finally got on top of the first layer. I saw a figure that was facing the other way, she was sitting at the table, she gave no indication that she had heard us.

The first thing I noticed about the back of her though, was her mane of thick, black hair. It seemed familiar. Maybe because it reminded me of mine, or at least in the vaguest sense. My hair was thick and wild to, but it had not grown nearly as long as hers. It went halfway down her back, some of the curls that couldn't be tamed seemed to be horribly knotted. It was wild and beautiful. And she still wasn't looking at us. I gave Kanaya a weird look, asking 'what's her deal?' without actually saying it.

Kanaya just gave me a small smile before she walked over to lightly tap the girl. She spun around instantly in confusion at first, then the biggest smile of joy over took her face. She had the largest bright green eyes I had ever seen, but maybe that wasn't true because we looked almost identical. What? "MOG!" She shouted this at me, and the more times in rapid succession. She either didn't know how to control her volume or she was deaf. Mog Mog Mog Mog. I finally put it together. She was definitely deaf! She began speaking again, "It's you! I have been so excited to meet you!" My older clone ran over to entrap me in the biggest hug, her grip like steel. She released me for a moment, I took notice that her canines were very sharp. "It's true then! The Signless is back!"

Kanaya frowned at this. "Meulin, The Signless has always been back."

Meulin, who she was apparently, waved this off dismissively. "Now it's for sure! Now that we have the disciple!" She gave me a smirk and a thumbs up. Apparently she was rather fond of the disciple. "I am probably spazzing right now, and I am sorry!" She didn't seem sorry, she was practically bouncing up and down.

Kanaya tried to do her best to explain and interrupt, but Meulin cut her off, shooting her an apologetic look. "I am sorry Kanaya, I just really wanna be the one to tell her!" Kanaya nodded graciously, shooting me a smile, and leaving the room. I didn't know if it was thrilling being in a room with Meulin or frightening. Maybe a little bit of both. But what did she want to tell me?

She took in a deep breath and I saw her fingers twitching. I wonder if it was out of habit for her to want to sign everything she said. I wasn't sure. Finally she began, "I'm you, at least in the loosest sense of the word here. Or maybe a better way is to say, you're me. Every time something bad happens in the world, a new Signless is found, though the other one usually dies if he fails. Often in a brutal way. That's what happened in mine, so we were destined to fail." She looked very sad, but then quickly recovered. Or hid it.

"What?"

"Okay... What is an easier way to say this? So every few generations, something really big and bad happens right? Well the Signless, basically, is the worlds way of picking that. It is in his DNA, just like I'm in yours. We have a job to do, it is in our veins. And to succeed and stop whatever evil Karkat has to face, he has to have certain followers." She gave me a pointed look. I was still confused.

"That's you, silly! There is the Disciple, which is you, and that was me, heh! Plus The Dolorosa, your friend Kanaya and The Psiionic, the always charming Sollux! You guys are like some cute little super team and it is so cute!" She squealed again and enveloped me in another hug.

"What?" I asked again. Just, what. What. What. All of my what's.

She gave me a look, you know the type. "Nepeta, we both know you are smarter than that." She led me to sit down on the couch with her, maybe she thought it would help me take the news better. "It is your destiny to help the Signless, you know it is in your veins. And it will stay that way, should you choose to accept it."

I almost felt excited hearing that, hearing I had some kind of greater purpose. It made me feel less like a lump of meat. Less like a play thing. More like a human. Almost like more. So I decided I would accept it. I was perfect, I wasn't passionate enough about anything that I had any strong desire to say no or have something that stopped me and I already knew I would be okay with dying. "I accept." I decided, even though I was still furious with Karkat. Maybe I had to look past that.

"Perfect!" Meulin shouted. She grabbed my hand and suddenly we were running towards the door.

* * *

**Dang it is pretty even for the Gamzee v. Karkat. Maybe I should just make a poll on my profile page, but I don't want anyone to not be able to vote. :\ So just keep voting if you'd like, it is totally cool. Also, disregard what I said before about this story ending soon. It probably won't haha! Thanks for the reviews, you guys and gals are precious!**


	14. Chapter 14

"So, Meulin, why exactly are we here?" I said with a smile on my face, because though she was kind of adorable, her brain was scattered and jumbled and she was all over the place. We were currently hidden a few miles away from the shelter I had resided before with Karkat and the gang in a tiny little house in the woods. Meulin and I had driven here after she yanked me from the house. She seemed a little antsy but I just chalked that up to her personality.

After all, how could anyone be anything but relaxed here? It was almost like a little cottage, though it was certainly tiny it had a home feeling and there was a fire roaring in the fire places as Meulin brewed us more tea. She had her back turned to me, so naturally she couldn't hear me, stupid me. As she finally turned my way to give me more tea, she smiled warmly. I repeated my question and her smile grew wider.

"I'm going to introduce you to a friend of mine!" Her smile was blinding as she slid me some of her tea. She informed me that it was her best batch and that many had tried to steal it but to no avail.

Though I had to admit it was good tea, I had more worries on my mind. Friend? "Who is it?"

She pulled up a chair next to me, smiling pleasantly again. "You know him. And he knows you very well."

What? This gave me a very uneasy feeling. The light in here must be off because it almost seemed as if her eyes were flickering purple. Or was it pink? I did not feel safe, something was wrong. "Who... did you say it was again?" I gripped my tea cup with all my strength and tea splashed on my hand. I looked down, I could see I was shaking.

"I didn't." Same pleasant smile, same empty words.

My rushing thoughts were interrupted as a loud knock on the door sounded throughout the house. My heart was beating rapidly and I accidentally spilled more tea on my dress. Meulin paid my discomfort no mind or just plain didn't notice as she jumped up lightly, and practically skipped to the door. Whoever was there was someone she was very much excited to see. Maybe I shouldn't feel so weird? I trust Meulin, maybe whoever is here to see isn't someone bad. I am probably just so used to things going wrong that I am projecting that onto her...

The thought dies out in my brain as I see who is at the door. I feel shock and horror, the feeling sitting like a chunk of ice in my gut. I wanted to throw up, what was going on?

Kurloz stood outside the door and him not even acknowledging me. He seemed to be having a very serious staring contest with Meulin, and it almost could have been like they were having a conversation had neither of them not been silent the whole time. There was no mistaking it now though, their eyes seemed to be flickering a bright pink and purple alternately.

They continued their odd huddle for almost a minute as I stood up slowly. I needed to get out of here. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. If Kurloz was here, was Gamzee? As if on cue, their heads both snapped in my direction, both of them wearing the same sickening smile. "Nepeta, my friend here is going to take you back home." She wasn't talking like herself, she normally could barely control herself in her excitement.

Now though, she was almost cold and her words seemed to be a mockery of her old self. I didn't say anything and slowly backed up. They both smiled and stepped forward. I stumbled as they slowly closed the distance between us. I turned around quickly, and to my utter happiness I found a door. I pushed with all my force and it opened, albeit barely, and I slipped through the crack not even checking as to where Meulin and Kurloz were right behind me.

I didn't have time to worry about Meulin now, whatever Kurloz had done... she was gone now. And so I sprinted in the woods. I didn't know where I was going but I was on my way. I did my best to follow the direction we had come from, though I was crummy with directions and honestly I could have been going the exact opposite way.

I ran for quite awhile before I ultimately and gleefully realized I was going the right way. I recognized the gnarled tree twisted around another and I finally had hope. I was breathing rapidly and the scenery passed quickly but I allowed myself to take a moment to rest, as I had covered a lot of ground in a short amount of time. I had covered so much, that I decided I could take a little sitting break.

I had done so well escaping, there was no way they would find me now, and I stretched myself out on the soft grass. The sky looks really pretty, I thought, and I watched the clouds for what seemed like hours but for some reason must have been only a few minutes. I was yawning and stretching and I was so tired! Boy that run had taken a lot out of me, I decided.

No one would notice if I decided to nap here, I had gotten away so quickly. I felt so smug and pleased with myself. I could feel myself drifting to sleep, but much to my annoyance, there was another side of me fighting to wake up and move.

'MOVE!' my body screamed. I yawned in response, my eyes closing. I was much too tired to get up. 'You have to go! The tea was spiked!'

These were all insignificant details to me, and I finally fell into a deep sleep. The dreams were uneasy and filled with my angst and anxiety. Which was odd because it only seemed to be of black. But it was slumber nonetheless and I was out. I must have been out for hours, my thoughts occasionally drifting to the conscious part of my brain.

'Way to go, I'm sure they've got us now.'

What is it that was a sign you were going crazy? Talking to yourself or simply answering yourself? I answered though, or at least I thought I did. 'Shut up.' No other thoughts drifted up and after awhile longer in the black nothingness, I started to wake up.

It didn't all come back at once. The first thing I felt was the warmth of whatever I was resting on. It was soft and I could feel the ever so soft and gentle fibers pleasing my skin. I practically purred against the feeling and I heard shifting next to me. That took the back burner though, I was more focused on the warmth I felt. I found the energy I could to stretch my arms and legs out, before I finally rolled around in the bed soaking in the feeling. I hadn't felt something so soft and luxurious since...

I needed to open my eyes. Right now. It all came rushing back. My brain was still sluggish and didn't want to listen to me but I had to. I had to know who was next to me. I had to know if I was in danger. Finally using all the willpower I had, I managed to pry my eyes open. I whirled around to... nothing. The first thing I noticed though was that I was definitely back at Gamzee's place, that was without a doubt. Back in his room. Our room?

It was odd to think, but my husband was lurking around somewhere. I decided I had to get up to see him, but as soon as I tried to use any of my strength to get off the bed it failed me. I was overcome with an urge to see Gamzee.

Danger or no, I needed and wanted to see him. He was my husband and despite all the things he had done to me, I loved him. So though I couldn't pick myself up off the bed, I could slowly push myself off the bed, dropping hard to the floor. I slammed my nose on the floor and though I didn't think it was broken, it was definitely bleeding.

If I slowly moved and used a flailing motion with my limbs I discovered I could move forward. I reasoned my limbs were suffering some after affects of whatever had been in that tea Meulin had made for me. I knew somehow Gamzee must be related to this and I had to talk to him, had to see him. Some of it was anger and questions. But a larger, scarier, part of me just wanted to see him and kiss him. I felt the ring on my finger and I allowed myself a small smile.

Through some strenuous movements I finally found myself in front of the door. A new problem arose, the door knob was too high for me too reach and I didn't know how to open it. I allowed myself a few frustrated tears as I violently shook the door and pounded on it.

I waited for maybe fifteen minutes before I flipped myself on the back staring dreadfully at the ceiling. My body still felt fatigued and I realized that the effects from the potion were seemingly not over as the fogginess took over again.

This time I dreamed of Karkat. Wait, that wasn't Karkat was it? It was someone a little taller than him but with the same red eyes. He wore a cloak around himself and there was a girl with a mane of hair standing beside him. They were holding hands and she was grinning wildly and he had a small smile on his face. I could practically feel the love pulsing throughout them, it was as if their love transcended the dream. Which was odd, I didn't even recognize these people.

But now it was morphing, and the feelings grew darker. Whatever they were, it felt black and filled with muck. In my vision I could see Gamzee and Karkat clearly, both of them leaking various colors. They wore surly expressions on both of their faces, that brightened when they saw...

And then I woke up. This is getting old, I grumble in my head. I slowly open my eyes and they open to see Gamzee. My heart beats rapidly as he stares down at me. We stare at each other continuously for moments and I notice that he looks certainly worse for wear. His eyes had thick bags under them, as if he hadn't slept since I had been gone and his eyes bore a similar redness, he hadn't slept.

But none of that mattered as he pulled me into a hug and I accepted it. I cried a little bit as I noticed he had already cleaned my blood off my face. I was tired of feeling confused, I just wanted to take. So I did. I took Gamzee's love. We didn't talk a lot, though I had endless questions for him. We held each other mostly, kissing and more. I was warming up the the idea of a husband, and didn't mind having a way to use him as a certain stress reliever, it was relieving in some ways. After though, I knew he was upset. I could practically feel it in him and as we cuddled skin to skin I could feel tears leaking out of his eyes onto me.

"I missed you so much." I tried to turn and face him, just to look at him. But he held my rigidly, facing away from him. "I looked all over for you. I thought something happened to you. I wouldn't be the same if something did..." He drifted off.

"I missed you too." I said, if only for a lack of things to say. It was true though, I did miss him.

He was shaking now, from memories or from his anger and sadness I couldn't be sure. "I will never let them take you ever again. That's a promise. I love you too much to let them get away with it."

I didn't say anything as he squeezed me a little bit, and he buried his face into my neck almost as if he was breathing in my scent. Gamzee Makara was a hard person to read, but I knew I was the only person who had ever seen him like this. It made my heart feel stony and brittle at the same time.

* * *

**Long time no read! There have been a few family issues going on, long story short appreciate who is in your life because nobody lives forever! On less depressing subjects though, this story broke 100 reviews. OH MY GOD. I can't even handle that right now. You guys are literally the best, just in case you didn't know. The poll in the reviews seems to be going back and forth on who is in the lead. I guess just keep doing your thing guys and when it is time to decide I will go back and count. I wish I could kiss all of you oh my gosh you guys. :o)!**


	15. Chapter 15

When I got over my overwhelming emotions, I had a lot of questions for Gamzee. I spent a lot of time thinking over the questions in my head as I laid down in the bed feeling the silk sheets against my skin and gazing out the window. It was snowing now. As the snow drifted from the sky, I likened how many drops there were to how many questions I had for the elusive and silent Gamzee.

Eventually I grew restless and tired of staring outside, it made me crave fresh air again. It was also because I was very apprehensive of that window due to past events. I rolled my eyes at my unease towards it before finally just rolling myself over facing away from it, laying on my stomach and staring at Gamzee who was a few feet away at his mahogany desk perusing some important documents with official seals on them. Very interesting indeed.

I decided to begin my opening question, "What are you looking at?"

He didn't even acknowledge or look at me as he continued to shuffle through his stack of papers.

I sighed deeply, the loud kind of sigh that is definitely meant to be heard and has many attached meanings. I call it the "look at me" sigh. This finally caused him to take the hint and look up at me giving me ample time to study his face. He looked very, very tired. He ran his hands through his dark hair, ruffling the slightly purple tinted mess. Gamzee gave a little sigh too, but not the dramatic kind, almost as if he didn't know he had done it. "What's on your mother fucking mind, kitten?" He asked me with a very taxed look on his face. He did seem interested and maybe a little concerned, but he also looked tired almost past the point of caring. So basically interested enough to listen but maybe not enough to get him to do anything for me.

"Um. Nothing." I guess I hadn't really expected him to answer, it took me by surprise. But that wasn't the only thing that surprised me. So did his over all disheveled appearance, even as he spoke I could hear how exhausted and stressed he still sounded. He sat at the desk with simply a pair of boxers on and I felt a blush coming on and looked away. I had to ask though, I had to know. It was killing me. Since I was given the perfect opportunity, I couldn't stop the question from pouring out of my mouth."Just... how did you know where I was? You sent Kurloz didn't you?"

He frowned as if hoping we could just skip all the questions and just go right back to just being us. "Nep, can we not."

"Gamzee, please!" I practically begged him, regardless of whatever his answer would be I had to know. I sat up quickly, giving him my full attention and it was now his turn to blush. I disregarded my current lack of clothing to stare at him intently.

Eventually he looked me in the eyes, with a defeated expression, "It wasn't my idea. Well it would have been, if I had fucking known ahead of time." He scowled a little bit here. "But Kurloz thinks it's hilarious to pull shit like that, not letting me know ahead of time." Gamzee softened his tone a little bit and continued, "but when he decides to communicate with me, it's best that I listen."

"Um. Aren't you happy though? It led you to me." I was definitely fishing, but I was at least entitled to some fishing. It made me feel better to feel wanted, even if the only person who did want me was Gamzee. At least he loved me.

His scowl deepened and he rested his chin in his hand. "I wanted to be the mother fucker to find you."

I determined that was as close to a compliment as I was going to get and moved on to my next question. This was more important anyway. "How did Kurloz know I was there? How can he do that eye thing? How does he know Meulin?" I had a lot more questions and Gamzee was going to answer them. Or at least I hoped he would.

He sort of does what he wants, regardless of what I want.

Gamzee gazed back at me with a smirk on his face. "What makes you think I'm going to answer these questions for you, hmm little kitten?"

I frowned. "Don't I at least deserve to know? I mean he did save me and all." Saying saved hopefully played favors with Gamzee. I didn't really consider myself saved though. More like a neutral prisoner, if that makes sense. I had long since resigned myself to living here. And though I truly was kidnapped, it hadn't been my worst experience. In fact I had grown to like and care for my captors. Amazingly enough, this was true in both cases. I was definitely broken.

But with the way the capricious one was looking at me now, with smugness as if he had me all figured out, I had to wonder if he really did care for me? I didn't like the look on his face at all. It was as if he knew everything about me. He knew I hated him, he knew I loved him, it was as if it was all a game to him. His eyes were filled with lust and pride. And I felt so dirty then, quickly wrapping myself in the blanket and slithering deeper into the bed.

Being with him was like playing a game of chess and then finding out the whole time you were playing checkers. He was difficult to predict. His smile dropped though. "Kurloz and Meulin have complicated history. I don't even know all of it. That's just them, though. It's who they have all up and been for their whole lives. She's more faithful to him than their version of the Signless, though she'd never admit it." He smirked and then looked like he had said to much and shut his mouth quickly. Eventually he resumed, "Patience is a fuckin' virtue, little kitten. You'll hear the rest at some point."

I wasn't satisfied and said, "But Gamz..." but before I could continue he got up abruptly, and pulled on a new set of clothes. He had decided that question and answer sessions were over and he wouldn't be answering anything else. I pouted but I didn't push it. Pushing Gamzee was not a way to get him to reveal anything. Even if the answers he gave confused me more than I had been before. That was generally how he worked though, he preferred to answer in riddles when he bothered to answer at all.

As Gamzee slipped out he told me he had business to attend to and that I should amuse myself. Well. Apparently once you marry someone they trust you won't try to escape their domain. I decided that statement was probably true. Nowadays I was feeling too apathetic to bother with anything. The universe had determined that everything was out of my hands anyway.

So I laid in bed and thought about my old friends. Were they even my friends? I doubted I would see them again, but if they truly believe I was as important to their cause as they had said, they probably would make an appearance again. If so I will try to keep a low key appearance, I'd rather stay out of trouble. Especially since relatively speaking I just got on Gamzee's good side.

Thinking of my trip with them brought a stirring in my heart though, one that made it throb and almost hurt. I missed them. I was used to missing people in my life, but it was hard knowing I could see them again but I had to wait for them.

I missed Vriska and Kanaya because though they seemed as if they would differ from me so much, they still got along with me and tried to help me. And it seemed like more than out of obligation, like Sollux did. They just seemed like kind people. Well sort of kind, in Vriska's case. Okay, she wasn't really kind. But she was funny and she didn't treat me different from everybody else. Kanaya was just a sweetheart.

Even Terezi was missed, even though I think she had mixed feelings of me. She somehow thought, I think, that there was something going on with Karkat and I. There wasn't, not even if I wanted there to be. And I didn't, I swear. I wouldn't even know how to initiate something like. Plus I am pretty sure Karkat hates me.

Which brought a whole new spectrum of feelings to me. Karkat made me feel a lot of things in the short time I knew him. Hope, sadness, desire, and anger. Mostly hope and sadness, but I couldn't be sure. I knew I had over reacted when I had seen him last time but it was past the point of apologizing, not that I even could.

Which brought a whole different train of thought. Did they think I just left of my accord? How do they think I got away? It was confusing trying to think of everything from their perspective when I didn't have the knowledge that everyone else did. They all disregarded me and didn't tell me everything I should know even if I am very involved in the situations at hand.

Which made me nothing short of angry. If you want help, you have to be honest. I deserve to know whatever I want. Whether it be about the cave painting, the story about Meulin, or even just about Karkat. Dammit, I had a right to know. And the same is applied to Gamzee. I was tired of people using me as a doormat to get what they want. Gamzee and Karkat both did it, and I was sick to death of it. I deserved respect, even if I know I probably really didn't.

Which brought a whole new round of self loathing as I got up from the bed and began to gather my discarded clothes. I was just a pawn in everyone's game.

Though I was feeling down, I wanted to take advantage of my new found freedom and take a walk through the garden or woods. I pulled my dress on after my undergarments and grabbed a jacket of Gamzee's that went down to my knees. It smelled like him and it made my heart flutter, but it also made me a bit angry. I walked out of the room and looked around quietly jogging through the castle eager not to cause a disruption to anything. I would prefer to get through the castle without attracting attention.

When I finally made it outside, I breathed in a sigh of relief. It was nice to have some time to myself. Even if that time was spent in self loathing and doubt. I trudged on though, my feet sticking and crunching in the snow. It was nice to be outside, even though the temperatures were freezing.

The garden was on the backside of the castle and was very tiny and hidden from view. It had tall walls built around it with a door to get inside. As I pushed the door open gently, I was hit with a wave of nostalgia. Playing here as a little girl was one of the better times in my life. Especially with Equius helping me plant some flowers and cat nip to lure in cats from all over.

So I decided to sit in the garden of dead flowers covered by snow and cry. I certainly deserved a good cry. I cried for what I had lost and what I had gained. I cried for Karkat and Gamzee who both had it as bad as me. Mostly I cried because I loved Gamzee and wanted to be with him.

I picked up a wilted and brown flower and inspected it. The petals remained intact and one by one I pulled them off. As they fluttered to the ground, I wondered what I would do with myself.

* * *

**Filler chapter of sorts, but I think my updates are going to be more regular again soon if all goes well. One of my lovely reviewers recommended some music at one point that I really liked and I drew some heavy inspiration from the songs. Bernadette and My Secret Friend from IAMX. The song that initially inspired the song though, was Plague by Crystal Castles! Another one of my reviewers had an interesting idea. How would you guys feel about split endings for whoever Nepeta ends up with? I wouldn't mind writing two different endings, but I feel like the endings wouldn't be necessarily compatible, if I am making any sense. Whatever pairing doesn't get chosen if we don't go that route, I will write a short fic for it anyway, so everyone wins anyway! Just something to think about. Love you guys, more plot and whatnot coming soon. :o) **


	16. Chapter 16

My brain slowed to a crawl as everything fell together in my brain. The choice seemed inevitable when framed in my brain nicely like this, like it was the most reasonable and sane thing to do. And hey, maybe it was. I was not the best example of sane or reasonable, so I didn't really know much. But I did I know what I had to do. It seemed so simple and it was not new to me, but it still also seemed so foreign and new. It was regrettable, but like I had said, inevitable. The fire had ignited itself once more in my heart after I had spent some quality freezing time in the garden.

Before I left, I made sure to leave a simple message on the wall with dirt I found from digging beneath the light dusting of snow. With my now soiled fingers I simply wrote my short message: "I'm sorry, I love you." Was I sorry and I loved him, or was I sorry I loved him? Easily both, but maybe it would make him sweat. I doubt it. The other hidden message was probably clear to both of us, I didn't feel it necessary to write it out, 'but I hate you, maybe more.' And that was that. That was Gamzee and I. I had a lot of love to give, yet he drained me of my hate. Sexual attraction, love? What of it. I needed to focus on my hatred, I feel like it was the only way I would get out of this place alive.

Not that I didn't feel pain as I took my first strides and steps away, because I did. No matter how deep down and dark I would bury my feelings, for Gamzee they would probably always be there. Along with mild feelings of disgust. As I crunched my way through the snow, my feet making a satisfying _cruuunch_ as I tread through. Every step I took was a step away from my heart but also my hatred. It was a step from the love of my life and my friends brutal killer. Every step was easier and also harder in it's own way, but I was proud of myself. I knew what I was doing was the right thing. Or at least the right thing for right now.

So I pushed myself forward, knowing it was the only thing left to do. The only reasonable thing that was left to do. The cold winter breeze sobered my mind, and gave my decision the clarity I needed. Gamzee would most likely never see it coming, which is why I had to go now. Now that we had established some form of trust, It was the perfect time to escape. I was sad, but I was also very hopeful. And when I took my first steps into the nearby forest I knew there was no turning back. The snow was still only lightly coming on and in my dress with tights and Gamzee's long jacket, I was sorely under dressed. Not to mention, I had no supplies. Not even a little water bottle, of course I could function just fine with the snow but the point remained. But what would I do? I wasn't sure.

I looked up at the sky, the sun was shining rather bright and the snow was reflecting and glittering. It was beautiful. It was still was afternoon and I figured this would be the warmest it would be all day. It was kind of a frightening thought, seeing as it wasn't very warm at all. But my possible death still did not concern me as much as it probably should. I just kept walking.

This carried on for several more hours before it felt like my mind was playing tricks on me, my vision was slowly growing worse and worse.

It was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. What would I do if I couldn't see?! It was true Terezi managed just fine, but she was a special case. I was not. I was just a dumb girl who was seemingly losing her vision out of no where.

Eventually when my feet grew tired, I crawled for awhile. The snow bit into my hands that wore no gloves and seemed to suck the life out of them. But still I crawled on. At some point I accepted my death I think. Probably right before I grew tired and propped myself against a tree.

I sat there for awhile, the cold snow seeping into the bottom of my jacket, making my butt cold and maybe a little wet. But it was hard to tell when everything and absolutely everything felt frozen. And I think that's where I died. Right against that dead tree. It was very apt and fitting. Almost more of a poetic death than I felt I deserved.

During what I assumed was the slumber before my death, I dreamed once again of Gamzee. Or maybe it was Karkat. I had dreams filled with warmth around me and warm arms, but every time I tried to look up, the face was blurred and I couldn't tell who it was. My dream self was deeply unhappy and pawed at the figure, begging them to reveal themselves. They didn't though, just remained a masked figure with a warm embrace that I couldn't seem to escape.

And then I was pulled out of this reverie with some forceful coughing. My own. I wanted to go back to whatever dream world that was. This world was cold and painful and I couldn't see anything. My limbs tingled as if from permanent disuse and everything felt as if it wanted to curl off me and die.

I groaned from the pain and I heard someone say, "It looks as if she is awake."

"Who's there?" I croaked. It didn't seem to be that I was with Gamzee. Not that I could really see, but this didn't seem his style. I tried to paw off whatever was covering my eyes, but whatever it was wasn't necessarily causing the blindness. I couldn't see without it on my face anyway. I put it back calmly, willing myself not to freak out after I scrunched up my face.

I didn't want to be blind!

"It's simply photokeratitis," a female voice said calmly. "A very treatable condition that will go away soon. It is caused by light reflecting off the snow. It is more commonly known as snow blind." What a relief, I felt myself sigh out of happiness.

"Rose, c'mon, why do you always have to be impressing everyone with your smarts! I can be smart too!" This male voice sounded whiny, as if the woman who owned the previous voice had done this many times before.

"Yo, John, this is like the most uncool you can get. Like even less cool than those dumb shows you watch."

I heard another female laugh, "Yeah, listen to Dave."

"Word."

What in the world had I stumbled upon?

The chattering of the three of them continued for some time before the original female cleared her throat. The other three gradually grew to be more quiet before she began to speak. "The obvious question is, what were you doing outside in the snow with no protection," a snicker was heard and ignored, "no supplies, and with you sitting in the snow as if prepared to die."

I didn't like the accusing tone of the voice and though I didn't sit up, too busy enjoying the warmth of the fire on me as I was stretched out in front of it on a blanket of sorts. "That's... none of your business." I tried to sound fierce and tough, like how I pictured Karkat or Gamzee would sound.

My heart throbbed painfully.

"None of our business! You would still be out in the cold!" John, I guessed, was the one that shouted this. "You're alive thanks to us. Not that you owe us anything. Aside from some answers!" He phrased things in a very dramatic but still thoughtful way, I was much more fond of this character.

I could tell him things, maybe not the girl though.

"I was just trying to start a new life somewhere."

"Without gloves or anything?" It was the other male that said this, sounding at the very least suspicious.

"I underestimated the weather."

A snort. "Apparently."

John said, "Jade, be nice!"

"Sorry."

I sighed. My life was saved, but in the hands of these assholes. What was worse? Okay, I was being dramatic. I was appreciative that I was saved, but I wish I didn't have my every motive questioned. It was a lot to get into with a bunch of people I didn't even know. "Who are you four? Or is there more than four? I really can't see and I don't like the disadvantage."

"Hi! I'm John! I'm a rebel hero like from a sweet action movie with Nicolas Cage in it! Well I will be. And the best one ever!" He sounded enthusiastic and I smiled.

Another sigh was heard, I presumed from the first girl. My thoughts were confirmed as she began to speak. "John is always this enthusiastic so you should get used to it. I'm Rose, we are rebels of sorts, but I don't care for the term."

"Rose, come on it sounds awesome!"

"It really does, not gonna lie." This was the other male who continued, "I'm Dave. Sup."

"Dave thinks he is too cool for school! I am Jade!" This girl reminded me of John a lot, the way that they were both eager, excited and very enthusiastic. I suspected they were probably siblings, judging from the similar way they talk and phrase things to just plain speculation. Maybe the other two were as well, and I asked as much.

"Well, yeah." This was Dave speaking. "But I am obviously the coolest sibling so I wouldn't even worry about Rose."

Rose didn't remark as if she didn't care or... the bandages were lifted off my eyes. I assume this was Roses' doing. I felt a face near mine as she inspected my eyes that were blinking a million times in rapid succession. "That will go away eventually. I don't really have anything to help you, so unfortunately you're going to have to suffer alone."

And suffer I was, it felt like little pieces of sand were stuck in my eye. Having the wrap on my eyes did make them feel significantly better and Rose seemed to understand that and put it back on.

"I'm Nepeta, by the way." I said quietly. I still wasn't sure exactly if the smartest thing was to trust these kids that I assumede were about my age but I decided to take a risk. Besides, what's the harm in just giving out my simple name? Not a lot of people knew that Gamzee had me anyway, I doubt any random villager would care enough or know enough about me to pose any real danger. I could finally relax for a little bit. I was with teenagers who were just playing a silly rebel game. They didn't know anything about the real rebellion, I decided.

"Oh, we know who you are." Jade said breezily. "We just thought we would be seeing you a bit later instead of now. And I am sure you will find that we are going to be very important to you soon!"

"What." I said. I didn't ask it, I just mostly said what. Just what. I had so many questions again, but yet I was not surprised. Simply, I was exhausted by all the questions and the never ending stream of people knowing everything and me knowing nothing.

How infuriating.

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**So we are winding down towards the end finally and I suppose the sanest thing to do would be to make the split chapters for each pairing ending. They will be clearly labeled by the names, so if you want one specific ending, you can just read that one. :o) There are just so many people who want Karkat and Gamzee, I would feel horrible splitting them up and choosing just one. Originally I had intended for this story to be just Gamzee and Nepeta, but it sort of got away from me. So I suspect after this story is over I will probably right one focusing on that. Anyways, if you ever have any questions or comments, you can post them here or on my tumblr and I will try to get back to you. Thanks for all the reviews, favorites, and follows. You guys are awesome!**


	17. Intermission

**A/N: This chapter is going to be from Gamzee's point of view, sort of an over view of events that have happened from his perspective. :o) Warning: this chapter has a lot of cursing in it, this is Gamzee after all. After the next chapter things will go back to Nepeta's POV. Intermission time!**

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As my family entered the castle and we separated, sparing no life from our wrath, I couldn't help but wonder if this was all it would be. I didn't dwell on it too much, but the thought bit and nagged at my brain, just as painfully as the blood lust did. After it seemed like the bloodshed had ended, my hands clean of any, I decided to explore. Everyone was very territorial so I knew the only way to go was up. And I went up, up, and mother fucking up. I was at the top when my life changed forever.

I knew someone was up here and suddenly I was very excited to see him. I heard his hesitant fucking steps and I was ready. I wanted this. When I first saw that mother fucker leave the room shaking in his boots, I knew he had to die. That wasn't even just my cold blooded instinct, it was the truth. If I didn't all up and kill him, he would just as quickly be up on me. It wasn't as if I had led an easy, but it also wasn't like it didn't have it's fuckin' mirthful moments.

And I can't all up and lie and I say I didn't enjoy killin' him, because there would always be truth in the fact that I did enjoy it. I mean shit, I was taught to. My family was... different then others. Violence is all fine and golden if you can get away with it. It might even be encouraged. If death is a necessity, and everyone was destined to die, then I might as well have some mirthful joy on with it. After all, that's what I've been taught my whole life, right? I needed no assurance, my instincts kicked in when he got in battle pose. He didn't say anything though it was obvious to me that he was not in a fighting mood. He was scared though his body had thick coils of muscle all over. His hesitant behavior did not leave me fearing for my life whatsoever.

So I leaned against the wall and chuckled as he lunged at me and I quickly stopped him before he landed a single fucking blow on my face. I grabbed him in a headlock and he struggled against me, grunting and straining, but never saying a word. This fucker was being way too silent through the ordeal, I wanted to hear him scream. Moving fast with a speed that was pure adrenaline pumping through my veins I lifted him up, my two arms holding his struggling body. He was turning blue and I wanted to hear him scream. I slammed him against the wall and pulled a kitchen knife I had swiped from my pocket. I thought it might be useful and I had thought right. My muscles were straining and he was beginning to die, the blue over taking his face. But I had no concern for that as I stabbed him in the stomach. I felt the blade hit the wall and he gurgled. A few more moments and the deed was done, the Zahhak had fallen.

I took my time looking and inspecting his dripping blood before I entered the room. As soon as I did, I was taken by surprise. A small creature flew out of some sort of cabinet, scratching deep into my face. It was painful, but my heart soared. I knew it would leave scars. I was so excited to bear a constant reminder of this girl, whoever she was. As she landed on the ground after her attack, she takes another swipe, I barely dodge out of time before she can land the blow. I blink past the blood dripping past my face and that's when I know we're going to be together forever. As I stared at the little girl who had to be around my age who was breathing heavily, angry tears dripping down her face, hair mussed with her tiny wrist captured in my hands.

I suspect I had mother fucking loved her the whole time but that came to it's climax when we were both eighteen. It wasn't my fault I had to notice who she had become, she was a woman now. I dealt with my feelings with mocking statements and intense gazes I suspect she didn't notice.

While one part of me just wanted to appreciate her exquisite body and face, the other wanted to test the miracles that she brought to my life. I wanted to break her, to put her to her limit. So I was horrible, I was downright evil. I know she hated me and hated her life. And it was nice, but it wasn't always enough.

When I kissed her in the clown paint, I made a vow to try to be more decent. The look in her eyes was defeated and I suspected my job was done. As I stared at her on the ground, my blood pooling in the corner of her mouth, my fate was sealed. I needed to be with her, even if it killed her. So when the person that I considered my old man ordered her death, I knew what I had to do. In an effort to not let her see the scene that was about to unfold, I told her to go to her room. I don't think she really understood what was going on, but as soon as I said the words she was out of there.

I frowned after she had left and tensed. I wasn't sure I was strong enough to take him, but it was undoubtedly going to happen at some point. It was my mother fucking miracle that I would be the leader, I had heard whispers of it growing up. Which is why the Grand Highblood, as he had been called had to take care of me.

We exchanged a look and we both knew that it was time to put everything to the test. There could only be one ruler and he was eager to get me out of the way. I suspect that's why he had initially called for her death, to be the catalyst to the inevitable fight. I didn't question it, just accepted it. I knew I had to win, if only for Nepeta. Well, her and to avoid a slow and humiliating death. Though he had acted as my guardian, he would take no mercy on me.

As we were walking towards the general area for outside, he struck me quickly in the head. My brain went black for a moment and than it fucking went down. I should have known it would happen like this. As I clutched my head for a moment, we began circling each other. I could see from the shadows the others were observing. Eager to see the fight but not to reveal who they wanted to win. I lunged at him, but he was on me first. He reached out with his hand and slapped me to the ground. I grunted and tears sprung to my eyes. How fucking embarrassing. I was about to die, and I was fucking tearing up. It was only mercifully that I didn't shed them. I was bleeding pretty profusely from my mouth and various cuts that I had found on my body from the fall.

I was ready to jump up again and fight but this option was taken from me as he leaned down and got a grip on my thick and tangled hair. I reached up, scratching him with my claws, kicking and flailing but it proved to be a fruitless effort as he did not waver whatsoever. He dragged me for awhile longer, my body getting pulled even through the nasty bits of castle where discarded trash remained. His intention was to humiliate me, and it luckily for me, seemed to have no effect. If only because I had chanced upon a shard of glass. His pride had gotten the better of him and he provided me with a weapon.

I waited and held my time close to me. When we got to another hallway I pounced, and dug the blade above me, deep into his side. The blade went almost all the way in and I pulled it out with two fingers as he swung around. He made a move to lunge at me and in that moment it was over. I sliced at his throat with it, once, twice, three times. They were thick slices and they were deep. He fell over and I know I had to move fast. I dragged his body away, doing the bare minimum of disposing it by simply tossing it into a trash can.

A victory walk was basically in the fucking rule book of the Makara's after that. I all but strutted as I let the other Makara's observe who was the victor. They revealed no emotion but I know I had not been favored to win. I didn't really car, I was the winner. I know that it was written in the fucking stars, and I was thankful for every miracle thrown my way. And I was in a good mood, but also in a vengeful mood. So when I saw Nepeta hadn't followed my orders to go to her room, I decided to have a little fun with her and drag her through the halls before finally I revealed myself to her. She didn't even mind, just gave me a hug and said she was proud of me. She didn't even mind when I tried to peak in on her in the bath.

It was a nice night, filled with warmth and embraces, if only because Nepeta was too scared to turn me down for these. She had her limits, but cuddling with her best friends killer, was not one of them I decided as I drifted off to sleep. I inhaled her sweet scent, wanting to cover my body in her.

It was the best sleep I had ever gotten, even though Nepeta had screamed throughout the night, only quieted if I rolled away from her, which hurt me in a lot of ways I had not expected. It also made me angry. I had done so much for her, yet she wanted to shun me, even when she wasn't conscious. Eventually though, after she was fully able to return to sleep, she rolled over to me, wrapping me in a warm embrace and the ice melted a little bit around my heart.

I awoke once again at a more reasonable time in the day once she left the bed. I grumbled quietly, but made no other move to let her know I was awake. I watched her through slits in my eyes very carefully, enjoying the way she moved in my old clothes. She looked good in my favorite shade of purple and the short shorts, gave me new found appreciation for her legs. All in all, I felt as if it would be a good morning. I closed my eyes, and once again I fell asleep. I may or may not have had a compromising dream about her but I thoroughly enjoyed. I had no doubt one day, she would be mine in that way. The only thing I had to do was wait.

The third and final time I woke up was not nearly as pleasant and my heart gave a scary jolt as I looked around and noticed she was no longer in the room. I quickly looked around before noticing an old batch of sheets tied to my bed post and ran to the window.

Even as I watched her scale down the castle with that silly home made rope and my satchel on her, it was still hard for me to believe that she was making a legitimate escape attempt, even though the evidence was right in front of me, literally. After she had successfully made it halfway down, she looked totally worn. She was tired and she was beaten. But she wore a determined look on her face, that was lightly dusted by a slight tan. Something made her look up at me and her face was horror struck as she saw me, she knew she had been caught. She should have known from the beginning. I was fast, smart, and strong. How could she hope to get away from me?

As I thought this, she fell and to prevent her from getting away, I quickly grabbed the sheet. She cried out in pain, and I knew her arm had been pulled out of socket. Beginners mistake, wrapping it around her arm anyways. As I pulled her up, I wanted to take my time to let her know I had won. But I also wanted to pull her up as fast as possible and take her out of danger and hold her. I was totally torn.

But when she pulled out a knife and began hacking at the rope, I knew I was running out of time. I let a surprised look paint my face as I tried to pull her up at the last minute. My efforts were pointless though, and she dropped, with a victorious look on her face to match my stunned one. I didn't think she would do it. I quickly ran out of my room to chase after her, before slowing my pace and deciding she could afford to lay out there in pain for a little longer. After all, how much pain had she caused me? So I would wait, and then I would rush in as the valiant knight that saves her from herself.

I killed time idly for a half an hour or so before I decided it was time to get her. I suspected her to have no strength left whatsoever, but I had underestimated her before. As I opened the door to go after her, I encountered something I had not been expected. A group of disorganized teenagers, my age, with tough looks on their faces. It was clear they were trying to make themselves scary to intimidate me. If I had time I would kill all the mother fuckers, I decided instantly. If only for looking at me so smugly.

The one with the red eyes began to plead to me, telling me had to be here to carry on the Signless' work. When I inquired what that fucking meant exactly, he told me wasn't sure but he would find out soon. I decided to humor them, my mind on Nepeta. I told them to get themselves settled and that I had some urgent business to attend to, I had someone to find. Karkat, he said his name was, said he could help me and I was interested.

It seems two of the girls were fine bounty hunters who decided to settle with Karkat who had snagged them somehow. They asked for a description and why I was looking for her, which seemed really fucking nosy to me, but I rolled with it. My nasty temper was being toned down some, which was acceptable if these people would do my job for me.

I told them Nepeta was my fucking fiance, I wish, and that she had escaped the castle in the morning due to her poor mental state. She didn't always used to be like this, I said to them, playing on a sympathy card. They all nodded sadly. I gave a brief description of her and two of the girls walked off, one of them lightly guiding the other.

With those two gone and Karkat and the others getting themselves set up, I had time to worry. I couldn't leave if only for my slight fear or apprehension of Karkat. Why would he be here? I had to watch him, make sure he didn't set up any traps in my own house. The Signless reincarnated was here, who my father may or may not have killed. Nepeta had run away, potentially successfully. Everything snow balled to me, and I craved a drink to calm my nerves. When the girls came back hours later, looking spotless while Nepeta was covered with dirt and scratches, I instantly moved to pick her up. Two more people swept her out of my grasp though, taking her to what they had set up as an infirmary. Apparently they were so accident prone it had already been up to some extent.

My heart was soaring though, knowing Nepeta was back. I demanded to go fucking see my lover this moment, but I was rejected, they didn't understand. I wanted to scowl and kill them but instead I chose my battles. I would wait it out.

When I finally got to see her in the tiny bed in the tiny room, I was informed it wasn't terribly serious and that she would be okay. The girl, Kanaya, had given me suspicious looks from the very beginning. I didn't like it at all. I nudged past her though, willing myself not to lose my cool. I focused on my perfect wicked kitten, who had been sent down from the miraculous heavens just for me.

I wanted to worship her and I wanted to kill her. Something so beautiful and pure wasn't meant for this world.

I spent a lot of time with her as she was unconscious, most of the time just stroking her hair lovingly and speaking words and prayers to her that I know she couldn't hear. For hours I was with her, neglecting my personal needs such as hunger. I couldn't leave her. I wanted to be the first thing she saw when she woke up. I needed to be. Eventually though, I was kicked out by Kanaya who said there was a test she had to run on Nepeta that required privacy. I glared at her, but I left all the same. I am certain that fucking bitch just wanted me out of the goddamn room. She would die first and most painfully.

I was told to return in an hour, which I was. Right on the dot exactly. I was excited to be the first person she saw, but as I opened the door, smile already on my face, that hope was crushed. There she was, crying to Karkat who looked nonplussed and awkward. I felt the rage built up instantly though I sighed and bit it back.

As she saw me, her eyes widened and she hastily wiped her tears. As she explained what happened to me, the rage came back. She was mocking me. With no shame, none at all. Just freely making herself and me, by association, seem like the biggest idiots on earth.

I tried to play it off to Karkat, letting him know that she was broken by the death of her friend. I hoped the reminder would make her be silent. She could be mad at me, but in private. Not now, not when they could take her away. They couldn't though. I wouldn't let them.

Karkat told me he didn't care and that he was on official Signless business. The light was right back on in Nepeta's eyes like she had found a new found interest in him. I glared at her. I asked her if she was tired and Karkat rebuffed me, saying that it was important he had to talk to her. He had business with her. I wanted to see where this was going but I also wanted to rip Karkat's head right off and run away with Nepeta. I was jealous, so very jealous.

Nepeta never looks at me like that. Like the world is bright and a good place and like I'm interesting. She thinks he's handsome, I knew. I knew and I was bitter.

I skulked around the house a lot throughout the next day. I was angry and I wanted to avoid Nepeta which was rare even for me.

I still had plans to avoid her when I wandered in my room intent on being alone and was immediately over come by her presence. I just knew she was in the room with me, and it was powerful. My gut told me to check under the bed, she could only hide for so fucking long, you know? She isn't very good at picking hiding spots. I looked under the bed and was greeted with a foot to the nose. I shouted my favorite curse and gripped out my nose, pinching it and hoping to stop the swelling and bleeding.

I was losing my patience now and went back down under the bed and finally yanked her out with a few tugs. She was no match for my strength, but she still tried. It's what I loved about her. I felt weird saying loved but I knew it was true.

As I pulled her out finally, she started kicking and thrashing every which way in her dress. I was torn between looking away and staring because honestly I found it... mother fucking hot. I wanted her so bad and waiting for things by her terms was so hard but I was determined. But I could still tease myself, I decided as I picked her up and threw her on the bed. I launched myself shortly after, and being on top of her and her looking at me like that, I knew I was going to kiss her. As she stared up at me, she was downright begging me to kiss her.

So I did, and it felt so fucking good. I pinned her hands up before I decided she could be a good girl and not try anything. With my hands that were now unhindered, I was free to explore her curves that sent a shiver up my body. This was what I wanted, this was perfect. A new idea bubbled to my brain and without a thought, I bit down roughly on her lip. She squirmed a little bit and cringed and then looked up at me with such an innocent face, I had to let her know it was her punishment for my potentially broken nose. Not that I cared. I would take every broken nose in the world if it led to this.

I heard her try to talk to me and I bent down and kissed her again fiercely so she wouldn't be able to speak. Once I had my fill for the moment, I was left with heavy breaths. I laughed again and said, "That was your first fucking kiss, wasn't it?" I was thrilled before I corrected myself, "No wait, first willing kiss." I smirked, feeling cocky and pleased. "Well, Nepeta, aren't you going to fucking say something?" I mocked her, but my insides felt so good. Being able to touch her and kiss her like that rejuvenated my spirits and just plain made me feel happy. Not that I would want to let her know that. She glared at me, and my previous happy feelings left abruptly, this time a reminder of who else could have done this to her. Who else would have touched my Nepeta.

My eyes grew darker, "That is unless Karkat's gotten to you." I chuckled again at the blush that spread across her face, but not in a happy, satisfied way. "No, he wouldn't. Did you know he likes someone? And she likes him back. And that person is definitely not you." I lifted a finger and poked her in the nose, "honk." Just to add a final nail in the coffin for any ideas she had about him.

She scowled and teared up and poured through a speech of how I didn't know what I was talking about and how I was jealous because she would never want someone like me. And then we were kissing again, with fire it seemed, and it was wonderful. It was a short lived moment before Karkat just barged in, asking to see _my_ Nepeta. "She's fucking busy," I said, as I continued kissing her, feeling her shiver with her rage underneath me. I knew I had humiliated her and it didn't feel good but it also felt great.

She told me she hated me then and I said to do something about it. I mocked her about Equius and then she sliced me with the knife I had handed her. I didn't expect her to follow through with her rant, and now I had a third scar to match the other two. She stormed away and I was left to heal the wound, which really meant I mopped up the blood with a towel and then totally ignored it, the blood no longer seeping into my eyes so I wasn't concerned. It didn't seem deep enough to need stitches but it would no doubt scar.

Nepeta didn't sleep with me that night, not that I really expected her too. We needed our distance so I stayed far from her again, as I had before. It's not hard to avoid someone when they are avoiding you, too. After awhile though, I missed her. I would apologize, I would do anything just to see her be happy with me. It was totally mother fucking reasonable for her to hate me like she did. So as I scouted for her, she was nowhere to be found. Eventually I was lured up to the attic for her, and my heart throbbed a little bit as I saw her laying there, looking practically catatonic.

She looked so sad laying in her heap, I couldn't bear to leave her though I put on a calm mask as I picked her up bridal style and once we got to my room I set her down gently on the bed. My heart was aching just by looking at her in this moment. I knew what she did and I just didn't care. My thoughts were confirmed as she told me as much. But she wasn't done speaking. "It's like you don't know whether to love me or hate me," She said it quietly but with a bold look in her eyes.

I thought about her, and I suppose it's true. I loved her so fucking much it over powered me sometimes with my rage and pain. I hated her for making me feel like this. But I also loved the feeling of being with Nepeta, who I knew was too beautiful of a person for me. I was losing in a battle against her though, if you considered love at all like that. I knew she didn't love me and she knew I loved her. It was like fighting an uphill battle. I would never be able to work past what I had done as a child.

I wished more than anything in the mother fucking world that I could just be a normal eighteen year old in love, but that's not how life fucking works. I was a broken person, and I was dragging Nepeta down to the depths of hell with me. I wanted to cry out and stop this subject, so I just stayed silent, enjoying being in such close proximity to the love of my life while I closed my eyes.

After awhile I told her Karkat and his gang had left in a hurry and it didn't seem likely that they would return.

She took it well, simply agreeing with me that she must have scared him bad.

I closed my eyes again and the two of us laid together for awhile. Not tired, just enjoying each others presence. I knew this was what love was, but it hurt to realize. Hurt to realize I would never get it. Not with her. Because I was a fucking monster, the worst fucking kind. "I'm sorry." I said.

"I know."

It was benevolent of her to say as much, and I knew that for certain she was an angel and I was the devil. And though she knew my feelings, she had to know them. If they were even true, I wasn't convinced I could feel anything but hate. It was surprisingly difficult for me to say, but I had to get the words out. It was what I needed right now. I needed her to know, from me. Telling her would maybe set a little of it free. I could barely feel anything but her. "I love you."

"I know that, too." And that was the last thing we said all night, the both of us drifting off eventually, the day having worn us out.

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**Holy cow. Chapters 1-8 from Gamzee's perspective! Next chapter will be 9-16. Making this chapter extra long and reliving a lot of the juicy parts from his POV is my personal way for apologizing for the late chapter. I just feel kind of zapped and a lack of inspiration for this because it didn't go the way I had planned at all. But that's life! Thank you for all the reviews, follows, and favorites. I really hope you enjoy this, I spent some hours on this haha!**


	18. Intermission 2

**A/N: Lot's of cursing. **

I did my mother fucking best, you best believe I tried. I had to let the kitty chick know how much I loved her, but it's fucking hard when the woman you're in love with is all up and makin' those sinful heart eyes at someone else. It made me furious and almost in a whole new way. She had a way of letting me feel absolutely everything in the extremes.

I took care of her though, no one could be denying that. When I felt my rage coming on I would lock myself in rooms, isolating myself for her. For no one else, I knew I had to keep her safe. But it only fucking hurt me, it didn't seem as if she cared either way about me.

And when I was alone in my room, hating every mother fucking thing about it, and him, and every fucking thing in this world, I could at least focus on her. Focus on the mother fucking joy it would bring her when I didn't have to do this anymore and we could just be happy together.

She just seemed so focused on the little thirteen year old she had been fucking friends with. It doesn't mean shit! That was a whole damn five years ago, but I would never be forgiven for those mistakes. I doubted though, that I all up and deserved forgiveness. It would just be so much more convenient. It got me all worked up again, this shit was hell on my brain and emotions. She made me feel the whole damn spectrum of emotions. I wanted to kill her then kiss her.

When she finally told me she loved me, it was a day filled with mirth and miracles. A day I knew would come but didn't have the patience to wait for. We were together that day in a much different way than previously, and now I had all of her. Her hand in marriage, her physically, and her innocence. I could even see past the mother fucking fact that she still had feelings for that Karkat dick. He would soon be forgotten.

The most special fucking part was the ring I had gotten for her. I knew it was the most beautiful bitchtits thing I had seen in my whole goddamn life. If she didn't think the same, then she has got to be crazy. Luckily though, she seemed to like it. Or maybe she faked the feeling for me. But I didn't care, I was happy.

But I was happy, the happiest I had been in a long time. I would often just lay in my bed, with Nepeta leaning her head on my shoulder, just appreciating life, the comforter, the bed, the room, my whole fucking life. She made me happy. Nepeta gives the room color and the food taste. Which I recognize is a fucking piss poor example of how she makes me feel. But it's true, everything good I feel like she is responsible for.

As the days got closer to the wedding though, she seemed drifting out of it more. She was getting less and less like herself, or maybe just a fucking self I didn't like. I tried to counteract it by being the loving and sweet man she probably wanted. Goodnight kisses and whatever she asked for, but the more I gave the less she wanted. It was so mother fucking difficult, she didn't understand. It was like she was up and torturing me, the way it made my heart throb. I doubt she even fucking knew.

And this was when I was sad, and made me so fucking angry that I just dark and black black and black. She knew how to hurt me and she did and sometimes that was just us. Sometimes we were just meant to be unhappy, I decided. And maybe that is just life with her. I was either over the mother fucking moon happy or in a borderline murderous rage. She affected me like no one else and it was hard to cope.

I think it changed though, after I heard her screaming one afternoon. I didn't even think, my heart beating like a goddamn drum, I took up after her. It sounded like she was in the top of the castle and as I approached the window, I could see her hanging there, trying to swing herself to safety but probably just fucking putting herself in more danger.

It was horrible seeing her like this, horrible in a lot of fucking ways, let me fucking tell you!

After a few terrifying moments it became clear what would have to be done, she would have to drop and then I would catch her. As we exchanged looks I knew just by reading her expression she didn't want to. "You have to trust me." I said to her, doing my best to look trustworthy. "Please." And in that moment she dropped, and though it took all of my strength and it almost pulled me all the way down with her, plummeting to our wicked deaths, love prevailed and I caught her.

I pulled her out quickly and just held her, tears dripping down my face. She mercifully didn't say anything, though obviously she fucking noticed.

After that moment, she reciprocated my gestures a lot more than before. She seemed more interested in what I could do for her.

On the day of our wedding she looked beautiful, like a radiant angel who was up to spread some fucking miracles around. I knew I needed her in my life, and she fucking needed me too.

During the ceremony with just the three of us it was going as normal as it could. With warm looks and smiles, and thoughts for later on my behalf. She said her vows in a stuttering fucking adorable mess. Mine were just normal, I figured I did alright.

When it finally came to the part where we leaned in kissed, I was excited. As I bent in towards her, my face uncharacteristically blushing, and once our lips just barely made contact, the lights were shut off. I jerked back and whirled my head around struggling and failing to make anything out in the dark. My senses were off though and by the time I heard steps and whispers Nepeta was already gone.

I could hear them leaving but there were so many noises and steps around, I couldn't pin point where they were. I screamed Nepeta's name and then huffed in rage. No one was taking my Nepeta, not now. I was searching fruitlessly around the room when I saw the light from the room light up again as a door was opened. I saw what looked like four figures, counting Nepeta who was squirming.

Screaming with rage once more, I bolted after them unfortunately on the other side of the room and once more in the dark. As the door closed again my eyesight was lost in the darkness and I tripped over a chair. I stumbled and then sprawled on the floor. As I picked myself up and finally got to the door, I knew they would be long gone.

Just as I suspected, as I still ran through the halls, a layer of sweat covering my body, there wasn't even a ghost of anybody. And I searched, and searched, and then even though I was tired I searched again. I pushed myself to find her, and I looked everywhere for any trace of that mother fucking Karkat who I just fucking knew was responsible but with no luck.

I wanted to look everywhere for her but I couldn't leave. It was the rest of the fucking Makara's they were soooo unhappy with how I was placing Nepeta over all of them, it would be easier to get them to do whatever for me than to go out and look for her myself, even though this made me deeply unhappy. I just wanted Nepeta to be here, and now. And I wanted to be the one to find her, but that wasn't how it was meant to be.

In the days she was gone, my lovely wife gone, the castle lost it's glamour. It lost it's color and it lost it's life, if it even had any. I would walk through the castles, see the bright colors of the fixtures, the blue rug that seemed to stretch forever, may as well have been gray. The chandelier that hung may as well have been a cobweb. It meant nothing to me, I couldn't fucking enjoy shit.

I sank into a deep mother fucking depression, every day hating myself more and more for not going to find her, and wanting to take it out on the rest of the clan for not finding her sooner. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself, I thought grimly. And so when I decided to put what the clan wanted behind me and go find her, I was ready for action.

And by ready for action, I mean just going out into the fucking cold without another goddamn thought because that's what a fucking bro does when he is in love.

Before I even made two steps out of the goddamn castle though, I was aware I was not alone. With the dead grass and the light dusting of snow, it was a depressing sight. Seeing Kurloz in front of me with the gray sky did not make anything better though. I could up and recognize, dude was up and freaky looking with his ever present smile, dead eyes, and stitched up mouth. I really did not care to see him for too long, but I did consider us to be somewhat close, at least in comparison to the others in the house.

He couldn't say anything, but he had a form of sign language he used to communicate with me. We hadn't conversed in awhile so my translation was a little off but what I read was vaguely that he had found my wife. I was excited and I tried to express to him how happy he made me, but I couldn't exactly work up the words. I think he understood what I meant and I didn't have to use words.

He continued signing, his fingers moving fast despite the gloves that he wore on them. Kurloz was almost always covered completely, he was extremely odd, even to me. He wasn't always like this, but he was with a girl once and I wager something real mother fucking bad happened because after he came back one day from being with her, he stitched up his mouth and never saw her again I suppose. But now he was signing, 'She will be back soon, catching up with an old friend.'

I accepted this and grew excited. I knew he would put his foot down at me joining so I decided to simply acquiesce to his demands, it would work more in my favor.

And so I went back in my room and waited patiently. I waited for hours, and more goddamn hours. But I knew it would be worth it to see her again. And when I finally did, it was joyous, even though she was knocked right the fuck out. I held her for a long time, just happy to be with her. And then just when I felt she was on the cusp of being awoken soon, there was a knock on the door. I growled something to the effect of how they should get the fuck out of here before I ripped their goddamn head off but this was not respected.

It was Kurloz again, and this time he wasn't smiling. As I began to scold him and tell him to get out of here he signed quickly, 'clan unhappy reconsideration overthrow'. I roughly gathered that they wanted me the fuck out of here. I frowned and felt my eyebags sag. Goddamn. I was not surprised yet unhappy. "How long do you think I have?" I asked him, wearily. Not that I really wanted to know, but I had to. Maybe this would make Nepeta finally forgive me. See me forsaken from the throne I had stolen.

He shrugged, extending his hands and then gave me one last tentative smile before wandering off somewhere. I followed after him for awhile, trying to get him to give me some more details but it soon became apparent that he did not want to get found, especially by me. And I wasn't too keen on getting found by anyone else so the simple option for me was getting the fuck back to my room, as soon as possible.

And when I got there, I opened the door quickly, eager to see my kitten. The door slammed into something and I entered the threshold and then gave a horrified gasp. The door had struck against Nepeta who had apparently crawled off the bed in her unrest. I scooped her up intermediately and set to cleaning her face once I had set her on the bed. I would worry about what to do about the rest of my family later, right now was all about her. And once she was taken care of, my heart felt full and goddamn warm when I could lay in bed and feel her body next to mine.

It just felt fucking right.

Our reunion was perfect and exactly how I would have planned it if I could. We spent a lot of time together, if just simply talking or cuddling. I took in her lovely face, just appreciating everything about her the next morning as she laid in bed, still talking to me. Her pale and smooth skin, that I would always want to touch. Her silky, smooth dark as the night hair that shined with any light source and her bright green eyes. And she was all mother fucking mine. That was perfection, that was all I needed in life. So I didn't tell her about anything, and didn't even think about how I was probably going to be kicked out or killed of the Makara's. I had time, I knew. Kurloz, as loyal as he was, would warn me when it got to be sooner.

So I would just appreciate what I had now, and that was my loving wife, who seemed as if she wanted nothing more than to be with me now.

And then I started thinking about how I probably wouldn't be able to take care of her if I didn't have the castle and was the ruler. So I felt my mood changing before I finally decided to try to take care of some business. As I excused myself from the room I idly noticed all the snow that was building up outside and felt a small amount of appreciation that I didn't have to be in it.

I searched around for some other Makara's though they were all strangely absent. I looked for hours, for anyone and was naturally spooked when I couldn't find anybody. Eventually, I had to wander outside, I searched the grounds before I saw them gathered outside, telling stories of sorts. I accepted this and walked over next to the garden, eager to get away from them as possible. Why they would be out in the snow or so excited over simple stories, who knows. I shook my head, and just happened to look over in time to see writing on the wall.

I'm sorry, I love you.

My brain went into over drive and I quickly ran inside, screaming Nepeta's name.

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**Sorry if this seems really rushed or filled with errors, I really wanted to get this up tonight. Sorry about the long wait, Christmas season is crazy! Next chapter will be back to Nepeta and this story is winding down. Boy oh boy do I need to start planning ahead! :P Anyways, hope you guys enjoy. Super sorry it took so long!**


	19. Chapter 17

I can say with certainty the next time four teenagers find me alone in the woods and they say they are part of a rebellion, that I will believe them. Because despite how scrawny and young they look, and they do look both of those traits, it does not show what kind of people they are or what their level of drive is.

And by drive I don't mean drive at all, or at least in that sense. The first few days with them was spent with constant walking. It seemed to me that we were walking in circles which caused nothing but annoyance to me but they swore it was a planned step and not a miscalculation. I was hesitant but Rose wouldn't hear of any questioning. She didn't seem to be the leader, more of the brains behind the operation. And I suppose if she said we weren't walking in circles then what choice did I have but to believe her?

While the traveling in chaos wasn't cathartic to me at all, it did give me something to focus on aside from Gamzee, and for that I was thankful. So for every tree that I swore we had already seen before, I bit my tongue and focused on something else. Distraction was becoming my best friend; thinking was just not something I wanted to face. At least not now, maybe not ever. As if I should be so lucky as to not think or worry for such a long time.

At least I could take in plenty of things with my regained vision. I could observe my travel companions closely. Rose, the smart one, had short white blonde hair and a long sleeve black dress with a purple sash. Her sharp eyes were the biggest indicator as to who she was. She was walking next to who I assumed was Jade, a shorter girl with long and curled black hair that was messy but still suited her. She had buck teeth and was undeniably cute and was also undeniably related to John. They had to have been twins. If you just made Jade's hair shorter, made her taller, and ignored certain parts of their anatomy, you could easily see the family resemblance. I couldn't see it as much with Dave and Rose, though. Dave had dirty blonde hair and constantly wore sunglasses. Though, admittedly, it was practical now I couldn't help but feel like he did it anyways.

There was plenty to distract me, what with the bickering of the four. Not that it was anything serious, it was mostly just friends teasing each other. I hypothesized that was probably something I would be doing if I had friends anymore. Maybe I could consider Karkat and the others my friends, but I had my doubts. Our last visit had not ended well, but really neither had any of the others.

It was odd, I felt such an attachment to that group, especially Karkat. But the timing just never felt right. One thing, just one tiny thing, always happened to go wrong and screw everything up. Mostly it was a certain someone's fault but I wasn't going to think of him. It just hurt too much. So I thought of Karkat. I wondered what he thought of me, and how he really felt about Terezi. She had nothing to worry about, there was absolutely nothing between the two of us.

But there was always a whisper in the back of my mind that thought about him. And now that whisper was back, and I knew I wanted there to be something between us. I was utterly and totally conflicted and passed the point of believing I could have a healthy relationship at this point. I conceded that relationships were probably the last thing I should be focused on at this point. But it went past relationship for Karkat, or at least it felt like it did.

Anyway, why was I thinking of him? I pondered this as I blushed and kept walking, urging my feet to stop feeling like they were going to fall off and bleed. At this point we had walked into dusk and it was quickly getting darker. And colder. "Uh, guys?" I began interrupting the steady flow of conversation that was going on around me. "Do we have anywhere to stay tonight? Because I don't see how we will make it if we don't get somewhere soon..." I hated to be the bearer of bad news but I didn't feel like dying now. At least not anytime soon.

John smiled and said, "I don't think it is far now! Our rest stop should be right ahead!" We had been able to survive the nights so far by sharing a small tent between the five of us, but the tent had met disaster this morning when it was accidentally trampled by a rambunctious wrestling match between John and Dave. It was frustrating and upsetting to me to say the least. No one else seemed bothered though but I was willing to forgive and forget now if there was a rest stop ahead. Doubly so if there was a shower. Everything would be okay if I could just wash the sweat and the filth of me.

And for the short remainder of the trip I listened to them idly talk to each other in comfort, luckily not asking much of me. I think they knew how I was going through so much stress. I still had yet to drill them about how they knew about me, but I knew it was going to be coming soon. I mostly didn't dump all the questions on them for fear of them not answering any and just leaving me feel ignorant and naïve.

But when we pulled into the rest stop which was more like another cabin, I knew it had to be done. Once everyone calmed down, it was going to be questioning time.

And while I said the rest stop looked like a cabin, the little shack looked like home to me. It was definitely small but it was also at least two story if the windows were any indicator. It didn't look old but it also didn't look like anything fancy. Just a simple place that was built out of necessity. The thought that my travel companions may not own it did not concern me at all. There was literally no way I was not spending the night in there.

It took awhile though for the good mood to fade. John started whooping in excitement when we first got inside with a set of keys Jade was holding. Then Dave joined in, but only ironically. Then Rose and Jade were laughing. And then once that debacle was over there were scheduled shower times. I volunteered to go last, if only so I could get the most time.

Rose was given the first slot and as she took off Dave and Jade took to setting a fire. They searched for logs outside, leaving John and I in the cramped living room together.

I was curled up and relaxed in a couch that was propped up in front of the fire place when John sat down next to me. "Hey Nep. Do you mind if I call you Nep?"

"Erm, no."

"Cool! Anyways, I understand why you're not talking a lot. I know you're going through a big thing right now. And I'm really not supposed to yet, I can tell you a few things about us, you've gotta be dying with curiosity right?" His bright blew eyes shined with excitement as he talked to me, he was right. I was dying with curiosity, he knew that without asking though.

I nodded my head, not trusting my voice to speak.

"Well," he whispered as if we were conspiring, "we're friends of Karkat's! He called us in for back up because he didn't know what to do since you got taken away. But we found you! So that problem solved itself." He looked proud of himself, if even a little smug before he continued, "He is going to be so happy to see you."

At that I had to scoff. "I doubt that," I said. "Karkat hates me."

John sighed, before slouching and resting his head on his hand. "It's physically impossible for Karkat to hate. But he can be really convincing, he did it to me too!" He looked at me and gave me a smile. "If I had to guess it is a little weird for him, what with you being here and all."

"Why would me being there be weird? I am supposed to be there, right?"

"Well... I mean the Signless and the Disciple were together you know? He just doesn't know what to do about it and get's flustered. I mean I would be! I would bet money that that's what it is. Eight hundred dollars!" He blushed then, and I had to wonder if he had ulterior motives for being so excited on seeing the group. I seem to recall someone else using that phrase at some point.

Though the Disciple being with the Signless was news to me, I didn't feel surprised. I had seen the painting of the green feral woman and the man with the cherry red smile and hearts. Somewhere deep inside me just knew the meaning, even if the rest of me didn't. It also happened to explain the sense of destiny and fate I felt about him though I barely knew him. I wondered idly if he felt the same way I did and that's what scared him.

Though I wanted more than anything to question John, he was already babbling about something else now. Something to do with a national treasure? I didn't know what he was talking about and tuned him out. He looked happy enough just talking to himself anyways, he would be fine without me.

Finally Rose got out and John told me that he hoped it cleared things up for me and then he hopped in the shower. I was jealous but focused on my thoughts. Rose understood this and left me to myself as she busied herself with making hot cocoa for us. Dave and Jade shortly wandered in and built the fire, much to my great happiness. The cold was biting but it was also what was keeping me awake. And though my mind was so curious and busy. It was also exhausted and I found myself napping in front of the fire, feeling the lovely heat radiating from the fire.

It was a peaceful dream of nothing. And that's what made the sleep even better.

I woke up to Rose nudging me after what seemed to be forever, telling me it was my turn for the shower. My body moved sluggishly, finally understanding what she was saying. She instructed me that they had extra clothes I could borrow in the room adjacent to the bathroom. Once there I hastily grabbed the appropriate undergarments, some practical sweat pants and sweatshirt for the cold weather and began my shower.

My previously foggy mind was able to focus now with the warm water beating down on me. Karkat. Gamzee. My heart ached. Don't think of him. I chanted. I can't. I can't afford to feel like that. And though it was not the happy and comforting shower I expected, crying did oddly make me feel better when I finally decided to exit. Changing into the sweats made me appreciate the shower even more, luxuriating in the feeling of being clean. I walked downstairs when everyone was discussing plans.

"So we are about a half a mile from base, so we should reach there very early tomorrow. Once there we can start fine tuning our plans and get everything concrete." John said, becoming the leader he so easily was. I could tell he was respected, probably because of how easy going but firm he was.

"What plans?" I asked, breaking the silence that surrounded the group. It was possibly due to me, but it also potentially had to do with the group itself feeling whatever task weighing down heavily upon them. They all went stiff when I asked and they all murmured that I would find out later.

I frowned and nodded before wandering back to my spot by the fire. I was not surprised by this turn of events, and I knew I could wait. I was just waiting for the day when people decided to include me in plans that seemed to directly involve me. I was apparently pretty important. At least I should be, judging by the way they're acting.

I grumbled myself to sleep, making a nest on the couch with blankets and a pillow from the closet. Despite what I was unhappy about, I was grateful to feel safe and have people that I hoped were working toward the same goals as me. I fell asleep cuddled into the couch to their laughter and smiles.

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**Oh my god I am horrible. I am so sorry guys. I promise I didn't forget about you guys, I just encountered the world's worst writers block. I'm back though and am going to power through to finish this! Special shout out to my followers on tumblr, you guys are cutie pies. And some of her attachment to John in this is due to the fact that Equius and John share the same class: heir. I just thought it would be something cute to add in! Gotta love those meowrails!**


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